What is Left

You’re born into calamity. You gave your first breath and you cried and shriveled in the coldness of the air. Quickly you were laid in swaddling clothes. There you lay, alive and helpless. From there, you were brought “home.” It could have been a palace, it could have been a hut, perhaps the street, but you were brought. Food and drink was given to you and you thrived, or not. But let’s say, you did. You carried on. You moved forward. You adapted, you modified, and overcame your circumstances. With help, then, time brought you toward goal after goal. You sat, you stood, you ran, and you, learned how to use the toilet, properly. You were now ready for the “big times.” Slowly, but progressively, you gained in stature and in wisdom. Rule the world, you shall or should. Oftentimes, you became a product of your culture and customs. You sought the world before you and around you. You became aware. Others were like you. Some bigger, some smaller, some good, some bad, some deep, some annoying, some dastardly, some loving; all the while, you learned. Eventually, what shaped you was no longer part of what you had. Now, you got independence. You longed for it. You dreamed about it, idolized it, wanted it. When the “time” was right in someone else’s sight, it was “given” to you, and you fled. Far away, as fast as you could, you flew. More cultures, more customs, more questions, more grief, you evolved and emancipated yourself from the umbilical cord that was suffocating you, or so you thought. You were free, free to choose whatever life brought you. You were there for the taking and this was your time to shine. Victory came at a price. The price tag for freedom is never cheap. These are lessons learned as we peruse the galaxy for adventure and excitement. But then, life takes a swift turn. It’s never easy. That paradigm shift happens when one least expects it. It may be death, divorce or some other mishap, but it invariably happens. Suddenly, life twists upon itself and deconstructs your very existence so that you must reclaim yourself, not as you once were, but as something ever so subtle, but different. What you thought was ironclad became mundane and unimportant. The twist was significant enough to change your direction and off you went, although where exactly, you didn’t know. 

     A rude awakening. Friends that you thought you couldn’t live without, your very best friends, just became your mortal enemies. You can’t stand to even think about them, let alone look upon them. Cursed creatures, they brought out the worst and what’s even more hurtful is that you gave them the very thing you treasured the most; not love, but trust. How could you? The humiliation brought defensive barriers which begot fear, anger, rage, and despair. Soon, you’re thrust into a human mixer. Which end is up? You’re drowning in your own selfish worth and depression rolls in. What now? Drugs, alcohol, sex, kiwi, and anything to pass the time because now, time has just screeched to a halt. You find new friends but they betray you as well and trust becomes a four letter word. The topography of your self worth has been reduced to a can of Spam. Yes, it can and does get much worse than this. There are those who, inadvertently, check out by several inexplicable means. The path to destruction is laid upon the many, not just the one. A silver lining, perhaps? Maybe. For some, they find the courage and fortitude to press on. Some are blessed to find those friends and family members that actually care. Isn’t that a thought? A change of venue is sometimes appropriate and helpful, so isn’t a nic e weighted blanket. Somethings you just can’t make up. They just fit. 

     As time beckons, one is left wondering, is this it? What have I accomplished? What is my legacy? To whom do I pass my insignificant air looms to? Stuff becomes just more stuff, and then more. The gathering period begins and some succumb to tribal “pack-ratting.” At the end of it all, it just doesn’t mean ... to a tree. In the end, the end is very final. You can’t bring the stuff with you and there is no legacy for the one who has gone to meet one’s own final resting ground. It’s over before you know it. Looking down the barrel of a gun, one starts to see the end when someone finally pulls back the trigger. It’s funny how one looks at life with such a longevity to it until, another paradigm shift, age. With age, there should be some dignity to it but maybe, just maybe, there really isn’t. Behind closed doors, the elderly are really worried about the finality or they’re in a stupor and they really couldn’t care less about it. The family’s are worried or maybe they’re just waiting for their “just due.” In the end, who cares. It doesn’t matter because we all die alone. All the money, power, fame, and glory doesn’t amount to squat because when you’re dead, well, you’re dead. They could erect a mausoleum and paint your toes red and face blue, but guess what, you’re dead. All these people that go to the grave sites to pay their respects, well guess what, their loved ones are not there. Yes, you guessed it, they’re dead. Gone. So what’s left? I’m reminded of my own life. I pray my wife, who is 16 years younger than me, dies before I do. Why? So, she wouldn’t half to be alone in this house we call a home. Sure, it gets lonely, but she’s not alone! See, as Christians, we believe we live in eternity with God, those of us who believe in His Son, Jesus, and have a personal relationship with Him. So, for me, I’d rather be here alone and suffer without having her here rather than the other way around. It’s not that I love her more or vice versa, it’s about suffering. I’d rather do it than have her go through it. See, life is about suffering. Sure, you have happiness. There’s a lot of that but there’s just as much suffering, if not more. What’s left is hope. What’s left is faith. What’s left is love and sacrifice. A human is not measured by what one has but by what one doesn’t have. Why? The only ”Thing” you really need is Jesus. If you haven’t got Him, then all the things you do have mean absolutely nothing. Sure, I keep on harping on Jesus in a lot of these reflections, but guess what, He harped on me first. He made the first move, I didn’t. So there it is, what’s left? Just, Jesus.

The Letter

      Nowadays, letters come in the form of emails. Sadly, the fresh ink on scented paper has vanished along with the DVD player and the home phone. Technology has replaced romance to a degree. There seems to be a finality to email documents. There’s a certain permanence to it in the sense of its distancing. One can’t get too personal in an email like a letter could. After all, a letter is handwritten with effort in lieu of clicking letters on a keyboard. One could make mistakes in a letter, like the “pops” on a record, which begets a certain personality of its own. Once one writes a letter, there’s no other letter quite like it and there are no myriads of copies and corrections to be made so that perceived perfection is gracefully lacking. Time has taken away the art of the letter. No one has time to write it down, then mail it. In this fast paced society in the world we live in, you can’t get an email fast out enough and then to respond to it without much thought. Maybe, that’s it, thought. Crafting an email letter entails much less thought to it, I surmise, as the euphemisms are fast and furious. In seems like the English language has been reduced to less than two hundred or so, “pat” words and phrases which everybody uses in their own colloquial way. There is a sense of point, counterpoint. One is drawn into email “battle” as the words are eroded into punchlines and one-liners. How adroit we have all come. The future has made us cold and plain. In a flash, one can know what another is thinking half way across the globe, and back again within seconds to minutes. One feels exposed and vulnerable without much thought taken into it. 

     Previously, letters would arrive in the mail, not just bills and throw away stuff, but true letters. For example, in the “old days,” one might have gotten bad news in a letter. The dread of opening the letter was palpable. Today, you get a simple standard email stating quite impersonally, you’ve been fired, or you failed your test, or you’re not my type, thanks. The “good” news is just as impersonal. I was privy to that a while back as I had received my congratulatory response to finishing several years of study in my Master’s Degree in Christian Apologetics in a very “standard” email. After all that hard work, thousands of pages read and hundreds of hours consumed over a seven year period of time, it was over in one email. Congratulations. The end. The void that email sent throughout my whole body could have sent shivers and tears for anyone with half a heart. It was painful and the banality of email proved it, once again. Perhaps, it’s much too much to ask that we, as a civilized society, pay attention to what we say in an email but, perhaps that is asking too much of ourselves, isn’t it? What would that requirement look like? Well, for starters, one might introduce caring, compassion, and humility. Yet, how are those conveyed in word text? The font seems so bland, doesn’t it? There is no life to it. Let’s face it, time has grabbed ahold of our manners and the email has replaced “good taste” with expediency. If only one could see the true emotions expressed in an email, perhaps, that could be a first start, but I warn you not to hold your breath. With the advent of social media, even emails have become like the DVD player, eventually being replace with the next best virtual “thing.”

     A reprieve. The other day, I thought to use the “email” etiquette and write an email to the head of my apologetics program. In that email, I poured out my true feelings and left my very heart on that email. I thanked the school, its professors, and classmates for a first rate education in my field of study. I truly miss my school. Sadly, at 65 years of age, I had to come to the long end of a road which God has asked me to travel on. I certainly never dreamed of finishing a Master’s Degree in Christian Apologetics at Biola University. It was truly a miracle, as far as I was concerned. So, in the email, I personally thanked all my professors, specifically, Dr. Craig Hazen, who is the head of the program. It was a thoughtful email as email’s go. I much rather would have preferred to write him a letter, but then would he have received it? Was there an expediency, a time factor, whatever? To my great delight, I did receive a response from Dr. Hazen, today, the 30th of January, 2021. It was a precious response, one which I will treasure the rest of my life. See, these professors had not only been teachers, they had been friends, and more importantly than that, they had been brothers in Christ. The humility that all of them showed me throughout my career at Biola culminated in the email sent by Dr. Hazen. He certainly wasn’t obligated to write a response, but he did. It was the manner of response that reminded me of a letter. See, when one gets a letter of the same category response that Dr. Hazen gave me in his email, it takes on a life of its own. \

It was kind, caring, and loving. Dr Hazen reminded me why I miss Biola so much. It wasn’t just about the learning, the studying, the grades, and such. It was about bearing fruit. The vine is Christ and today, Dr. Hazen remembered that bearing fruit means to give love and support. Today, I received a letter in the form of an email from a fellow believer. I felt part of a community. Thank you, God for giving me the great opportunity to be a part of the greater community. 

Worship

The clouds were billowing up above. The sun was peeking through with its rays streaking painted segments on the grass below. Later that day, the light would fade and darkness would creep into night as the bright lit stars displayed their majesty across the southern sky. Oftentimes, the beauty of the day would overwhelm whatever it was that was prepared for the trials that brought anxiety and frustration, yet it never went unnoticed. Nature was magnificent and it would be a crime not to share it, even a glimpse of it, even if it be shared in solace. What else could replace what had been experienced that day? What idols beckon the call for substituting that glorious day? Perhaps, vanity has its layers of splendor? Imagine how powerful by experiencing one’s own excessive delight or admiration in appearance or achievement, one could be enticed by emotional non-ending bliss which could cover a multitude of moments in time. Perhaps, pride might be a plate that best be served with vanity as it glorifies the one with deep pleasure for its own possessions or one’s own insatiable qualities. Still, idolatry may be more suitable as it fulfills the heart’s desires to crave, want, enjoy, love or be satisfied by anything or anyone that one treasures more than God. Money seems to be near the top of things worshipped, wouldn’t you agree? Money begets things and things beget power, and power, begets worship. Perhaps, national security, government, country has a lust that cannot be satisfied as one is willing to die for even if the ideals are corrupted by self-aggrandizement and control. Sports. There is a clear obsession in the world for all forms of sports and favorite people or teams where the pastime becomes the only time. These are but a few of the “alternatives” that are praised, worshipped, and glorified. By the way, nature, as well, can be an object of one’s worship!

Why do we worship? And, what or whom is it that we worship, and why? Is it just possible that we can’t see the forest through the trees? Are we so limited by our senses that we could not grasp or conceive of something much greater than ourselves or the universe at large? Is this the best that our minds, our emotions, and desires can come up with? From the beginning of humankind up until present day, this is the very best that humanity can worship? Ourselves? Someone else? A loved one? A dog, a cat? Seemingly, are we limited by our own imagination or is the truth of what or whom we worship all there is to life? Could we possibly postulate that there may be something greater than ourselves, something greater than the universe, something greater than creation? No matter how intelligent, intellectually or emotionally, one is, are we the greatest possible thought imaginable that would be the object of our worship? This is not something new. Anselm, in the 12th century, posited the ontological argument concerning the greatest possible being we could ever imagine as being God. Still, it is troubling that there are many great thinkers and philosophers over the span of humanity who have denied the existence of God as the single most important being of our worship, and why? Well, because it’s easier to love the creation rather than to believe in a Creator. For those who have not had the curiosity to see the images from the Hubble telescope showing humanity the vast immensity of the universe, one could deduce that it all just came about by random chance, multiverses, string theory or such. Sure, Stephen Hawking could have been correct. One question though, and this is yet to be proven (including the Higgs boson particle), nothing comes from nothing; there’s always a cause. Consider the Kalam Cosmological argument: 1) Whatever begins to exist has a cause, 2) the universe began to exist, therefore, 3) the universe has a cause (William Lane Craig in his book, The Kalam Cosmological Argument, 1979). Sure, there are many other arguments for the existence of God, but the primary point to be made is: what or whom is the object of your worship, and why?

It seems that we may be children of a lesser god. If the object of worship happens to be creation or something in it because this is all there is, is the bar set too low? How many sports or sport’s figures can one idolize? What about movies or actors, music or singers? What about persons in history, power figures, religious leaders, and despots? How much jewelry and Botox are enough? What is the best shape, how fit does one need to be, how much food, and what type, is enough? How many guns, how many cars, how many houses, boats, islands will consume your desires of worship? Is power the ultimate “holy grail?” When is creation enough? Or perhaps, it’s not things had, but those things longed for. Does that beget jealousy, envy, rage, or even murder for the sake of worship? When does one rest on worship, if at all? Is there always something around the corner that is bigger, better, stronger, sexier, worthier of worship? Then, there’s a finality to worship, isn’t there? All those things or people you’ve worshipped all your life eventually fade away. People die. Empires die. Eventually, the planet will die as well. And then what? At best, it’s a limited worship and the scope of the worship is limited as well. Some would say, who cares? While here on the “rock,” one can do whatever they want and drift off into the sunset without a care in the world. Some leave a stamp on the planet, their contribution which will help those in future generations, like Einstein, Plato, or Da Vinci. But, should they be worshipped? What about your children, your grandchildren, your spouse; are they worthy of worship because of love? What is the end game of worship? Is it just because one decided and that’s it? Can there be something or someone that truly is worthy of worship because He transcends His own creation? Would it be possible to worship God even though in order to do so, one would have to let go of their idols of worship? Sure, there are many religions and many gods to worship. How can one know which one is the real God to worship? Are all religions the same? Is one worshipping a religion or is one worshipping a Person? In Christianity, the answer is simple: Jesus. Why? Well, Jesus claimed to be God. He proved it by dying on a cross, three days later, being resurrected from the grave. Sure, it could be a falsehood. But if it’s true, wouldn’t you want to worship Him? See, eternity is a long time, far longer than the time any of us have been on Earth. Eternity is far longer than the age of the universe (it’s expanding by the second law of thermodynamics; eventually it’ll die as well). One could consider that once dead, one ceases to exist and who cares about eternity. So be it, but would you be willing to bet your life on it?

The Waiting Room

I don’t know how it happened. Certainly, it was unexpected. For most of my life, I’ve been in charge. From the beginning, I had to prove myself. See, I am the youngest of four. All my other siblings are high achievers. They all became doctors and professors. To make matters even more difficult, I had to prove myself to my father. He was the mosaic of all four of us. To me, he was superman, an unattainable goal. I tried, then gave up, settling on mediocrity. My father wouldn’t have it. There was no chance for failure in any of his children. An opportunity occurred and I was jettisoned to Mexico for medical school. Alone, afraid, with little Spanish to defend me, I excelled. It was fight or drown. I turned complacency into ambition and graduated in the top 2% of my class. I scratched and scraped my way back into the United States where I trained in Chicago. From there, I went to do an interventional fellowship in cardiology with one of the pioneers in the field. This lift gave me the drive to pursue excellence in my field. When I returned to Chicago, I ended up in Joliet, a distant suburb. I started my climb. From the start, it was frightening and difficult but I was in survival mode as I had to prove it to my family and ultimately, to myself. In time, I became respected and revered. I was able to wear many “hats” in the arena of the hospital. Sure, there were chips in the armor, but I pressed on. In my mind, I could not be defeated. There was a cost for my pride and insubordination, yet I had not tasted it. My drive was equaled with my pride and those who got in the way, well, they were stymied. I had learned from the best, my father, my siblings, and my mentors. For years, I pursued my goals, to be the best doctor and to make no excuses. I had many failures, yet I pressed on, overcoming whatever obstacle was in my path. I was an interventional cardiologist, the doctor of doctors. I was invincible. I was the rainmaker.

Last year, something happened that changed everything: COVID-19. At first, I had paid no attention to the virus. There had been many come before this one. I’ve had the flu a couple of times and had survived it. No big deal. Then, COVID-19 came to Joliet. We had to wear protective gear. It seemed like we looked like astronauts going into space. It was ridiculous or so it I thought. One by one, I started seeing my patients get sicker and sicker. It didn’t matter the age. Some were in their thirties, forties, and so on. Some were pregnant. The virus didn’t care. Slowly, I began to see agony and fear in their faces. They couldn’t breathe. From there, they turned into ventilated patients with medications to help them cope and sleep. Multiple drugs were tried, negative pressure rooms, and all the while, no family member was allowed to visit them. I was present when I saw some of them die, as nothing we did could help their lungs, heart, and brain. They waste away from the virus. It was devastating to all involved, for the patient, the family, the health care providers and me. Day after day, week after week, month after month, I climbed out of bed to put my scrubs on and go to the hospital to see my patients die.

Fear for them turned into fear for me and my family. What if I got the virus or more importantly, what if I brought it home? There was protection gear, but was it enough? I would come home, only to be exiled to strip off my clothes and go straight into the shower. Only then could I converse and be with my family. The incessant pounding and drumming of that fear into my head, waiting for the shoe to drop, left an indelible imprint in my mind. Eventually, I would be exposed, give it to my family and maybe, someone would die. As it turns out, the first was my son and his girlfriend. My wife was beside herself and I, well, I needed to be strong for all of us. Inside, I was screaming with worry and fear. They survived and back to work I went. One day, my wife didn’t feel well. She had fever, malaise, lost her sense of smell and taste. Off we went to the emergency room. I prayed. Please God, not her. She tested positive and later, so did I. The worst nightmare had come to reality. COVID-19. By the grace of God, we came through it alright. I had essentially no symptoms. My wife, she had a harder time but came through it alright. I thanked God for that. 

For me, that was not the unexpected change in my life. Sure, COVID-19 had rocked my world. Fear and anxiety, mixed with worry, governed my daily, if not, my moment-by-moment existence. Yet, God had a bigger challenge for me. In the summer, I contracted a fulminant infection in my prostate. For months, I urinated blood despite weeks of antibiotics. I went through diagnostic procedures and surgery. I had seen all of this before in my father. He had had cancer there; I believe in his bladder as well. The thought had crossed my mind. Well, after the successful surgery, no cancer I was told. Yet, the symptoms pursued. Foley catheters, multiple trips to the bathroom at night and an insomnia that spanned months of my life. I laid awake for hours on end with pain and fear. During the day, I was tired and cranky. I couldn’t concentrate except on urinating and thinking there was going to be another sleepless night coming up. I prayed incessantly. Please God, take this away. I need to sleep. I can’t keep on urinating seven times a night, twenty times a day. How long? I started to doubt, to question, and be disappointed in God. I wasn’t mad at Him. I just didn’t have anywhere else to go. I was in despair. No answers came.

Then one day in November, it was like turning on a light switch, the symptoms got better. Less trips to the bathroom and I could sleep some. A miracle. I started to have more faith and thanked Him. There were set backs, of course, but there was steady progress. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I read tons of books on anxiety, insomnia, cognitive behavioral therapy. I took gobs of different sleeping aids, vitamins, holistic meds, essential oils, you name it. I read for hours on end about every kind of treatment for anxiety and insomnia, read all the side effects to medications and, got all of them. I was an absolute mess in my mind. All the while, He was waiting. Yes, I prayed, read Scripture, listened to sermons, talked to doctors, friends, pastors, family, and such. Yet, He waited. Recently, in the aftermath, I finally got it. The relationship I had with God had been broken, by me. I had not waited on Him. See, I tried to control the situation my way. I was the doctor. I knew all the medical answers. I was going to solve it my way. And, He waited. 

This new year, I came to a revelation. All that my patients, my family, and I had been through was a lesson. With all the bad, came an awakening. God loves us so much that He waits on us to come to Him. He will not impose. See, He’s a much better driver than I am, yet I wanted to take the wheel and drive myself into safety. That’s not how it works with God. He’s sovereign. He’s in control. What He was patiently trying to teach me is to trust and surrender to Him. He will do all the heavy lifting. He will solve the problem perfectly for my benefit. I just didn’t see it. As I told you, I was the rainmaker (in my mind). What I found out, that God’s job, not mine. He gave me the gifts to be the person that I am for His glory, not mine. So, I learned how to surrender and trust a loving God that loves me more than I can ever love myself. 

This year, there’s another lesson afoot. God placed the word steadfast in my heart. Steadfast means to be unshakeable, unmoving, but it also means to be loyal. This time He told me to wait. Yes, wait. For what, I have no idea. See, I just finished my Master’s degree in Christian Apologetics (defense of Christianity). It took me several years to finish while I was practicing cardiology and trying to be a family member while going through my trials. So, I thought of a waiting room, like if I were a patient waiting for the great Physician to see me. In the waiting room, there are a myriad of books to choose from, but the one book that drew my attention was the Bible. I think, that while I’m waiting on God, He would like me to stay in the Word. The waiting room is hard because I have no plans ahead. I’m not in control. I can’t see the road ahead. It’s a room, one way in and one way out. I may wait a long time to see the Doctor. I know one thing though, from last year, I know to trust and surrender to His will. In the waiting room, one has to be patient. One has to rest in God. Gods wants us to slow down and wait for His move for us. One thing I learned from God; He is a very patient Person. See, He’s outside of space and time and what would seem endless for me is an instant for Him. In the waiting room, I have time to think about my relationship with Him, what He wants from me, how to learn more about Him, how to pray. I don’t know what happened last year. It was unexpected. What I do know is that God have me a lesson that I will never forget. See, He had to bring me down to ground zero for me to listen to what He had to say: “I love you. I have a better way. Please trust me.” So now, I’m waiting.

Resolutions

Have you ever wondered why people make New Year’s resolutions? It seems like you’re looking at the end from the beginning. On January first, all kinds of promises are made that will be completed by the end of the year. But who’s to say that they will be completed, if at all? Some promises are broken by the end of the very first day. Some, well, they’re simply not logical. “I’m going to lose 100 pounds this year.” “I’m going to get out of all of my debt.” “I’m going to stop being a racist.” “I’m going to stop working so hard and spend more time with my family.” Some are more reasonable but still fraught with trickery and deceit: building a better budget, cooking one thing new every week, reading more books, joining a fitness club, creating a cleaning schedule you’ll stick to, drinking less, stopping to smoking, drugs, and my favorite; eating veggies regularly. You can think of a million different resolutions that don’t come to fruition because, guess what, you were never going to carry through with your resolutions in the first place? Why? Well, you didn’t do it last year either or the year before. Remember? It’s all mind games to get you in the proper frame of mind. For example, you start out at the beginning of a race that you haven’t prepared for in one year. This year, you’ve decided you’re going to finish this race. The problem is the race is 365 miles long. There’s no way a single, positive, thought motivator is going to get you from day one to the end. You see the end from the beginning, the next year ahead, but there is no preparation, no motivation, no perseverance, and no rational thought process. In the midst of the drunken drudgery of watching the “ball” drop down in Times Square, the ten second countdown is commenced and here we go again. Another year. It’s going to be better than the last one. Or is it? 

Resolutions. The tip of the iceberg. All these hopes and dreams will be thwarted because there is no substance in them. They are flighty musings with no permanence. They are wasted thoughts superficially crafted which permeate your mind like water squeezed out of a sponge. No depth, no precision, just an afterthought. There are those psychologists and life coaches which will fill you with the latest articles on how to complete your resolutions with purpose and clarity. How to books have been written about this, ad nauseam. So, you’re ready for the next year. The race is on. You’re locked and loaded. You will vanquish your intended target. Full speed ahead. Then, depression sets in. Sometimes, there very same day you begin! Sometimes, it takes a little bit longer, but in the end, you never reach the end. Why? Because resolutions are doomed to fail before they start. The premise is wrong. There are many secular reasons for this which, from my perspective, are quite frankly, a waste of time. So, if you want the straight answer, I’ll give it to you. For those of you who have no interest in God, now is probably a good time to stop reading this story. 

God doesn’t care about resolutions. Resolutions are a firm decision in doing something or not doing something. That’s based on what work you’re trying to accomplish, or not. See, God is not a works-based deity. He doesn’t need you to do anything. It’s never about needs for God. God is self-sustaining. He’s immutable and self-sufficient. He never has any need and certainly does not derive any need from His creation. That’s why He’s God and we’re not. However, God wants from us. What does God want? Well, He wants a relationship with us. And, the relationship is not based on any merit that we have done. Whether it’s losing 50 pounds or helping the physically challenged across the street, those works do not get you into right relationship with God. You can do all the good things you’ll ever do for the rest of your life and sure, people will think you’re a great person, but God won’t think so. You can give money to the poor, work at soup kitchens, cure cancer and nada, no relationship. Now, you might ask, so how do I get to have a relationship with God? Funny, you should ask. You don’t need to take notes. It’s pretty simple, really. God makes the first move. Yes, God, not you. There’s really not a great deal of debate about this. God is sovereign. He’s in control. He’s the Potter and we are the clay. His universe. So, He imparts grace to whomever He wants. The offer is there. Now, there are a series of steps, but for the purpose of this story, just know God makes the first move, ok? Then, depending on which sect of Christianity you believe in, you can accept or reject the offer of His grace. Yes, Christianity. See, when grace is offered, it is dependent on one subsequently believing in Christ and in Christ alone. Why? Well, because Jesus claimed to be God, so what Christ did for us on the cross is important because of who He is, not just what He did. If Christ is not God, then we are still dead in our sins and have no hope of ever seeing God when we die. 

This is the resolution I must place on your lap. Remember, resolution is a firm decision in doing something or not doing something. Don’t you believe that thinking about where you’re going to spend the rest of your life merits some resolution on your part? See, you can’t get there without God. And, you can’t get there if you don’t give your life to Jesus. Sure, Christianity can be wrong. There are many religions to choose from, or not. You could choose to be an atheist, a naturalist, worship chickens. Go ahead. See, in Christianity, it’s not about proselytizing or converting or whatever. You’ll never find me on a street corner with a sign. Why? I told you, God always makes the first move. And, if He decided that His Son, Jesus, was to be the only way to have a relationship with Him, and, if Christianity happens to be true, then for those who don’t believe in Jesus, well, no relationship, no God. Yes, some would say Christianity is an intolerant religion. You must believe in Jesus to have a relationship with God or else. But, let’s think it out for a moment. If Jesus really did rise from the dead and is alive today, and is coming back, wouldn’t you want to believe in Him? If not, Jesus is just some guy who lived 2000 years ago and is lying in a grave somewhere and fooled 2.5 billion people to believe in Him. If that isn’t enough, all his followers (they were called apostles), well, they were all martyred for what they believed in (except John, he was exiled to an island called Patmos). So, if they all got killed for a lie, well, that’s kind of strange, wouldn’t you think? I mean, getting butchered and mutilated for a lie is pretty weird. This is not drinking Kool-Aid or Waco. Back then, the Romans had much better torture. So, I figure, this year, why don’t you think of an eternal resolution.

What Inspires You?

Sitting on the sofa, listening to a heart-wrenching story of someone’s rise from the ashes always seems to bring me to tears as I ponder what God is trying to say to me. Perhaps, it’s about compassion, the empathy that a human should feel for another fellow human who is in the midst of unspeakable suffering and pain. Perhaps, it’s the inner struggle, a demonic force if you will, that is fought with strength and courage; that courage with doesn’t vanquish fear but learns to overcome it. Perhaps, it’s rage, that rage that begs the question, why should this person go through all of this misery when there are those out there who deserve much worse. Perhaps, just perhaps, one identifies with the other person’s suffering because either they have been part of a similar struggle in the past or they are now confronted with the same struggle or worse going forward. See, pain and suffering, which is natural and not moral, has always been difficult for me to fully grasp. Sure, we live in an imperfect world that is fraught with terminal illness, earthquakes, hurricanes, and the like. Yet, I humbly ask what’s the lesson to be learned? Moral evil is generally understood to be logical in the sense that people make choices through free will. Those choices have consequence and the resultant consequences could affect millions globally. But, I’ve yet to “reconcile” natural evil with any pat answer that would cover all of my questions as to the whys of it. In my belief as a Christian, this was not God’s original plan that there be evil at all. In fact, Scripture clearly states in the book of Genesis that what God created was good. In fact, human sin begot moral and natural evil and so it goes. This is not to question God at all. I simply state that the arguments there are for the understanding of why there is natural evil seem to be more formidable than the arguments put forth for the understanding of why there is moral evil. 

As a physician, I’ve often found myself placed in situations where the patient is very ill. Incomprehensibly, the task at hand is to care for the patient, but also for the family members or friends. This is a daunting task as the suffering on the part of the patient is magnified by the suffering of the remaining members of the family at large. Oftentimes, no matter how detailed the explanation, in the final analysis, situations arise where the patient deteriorates and sometime, dies, no matter the effort or technology placed at hand. It is devastating to all involved. Sometimes, the patient does regain some sense of normalcy, but with great suffering and certain permanency to his/her illness. The long-lasting consequences of complications of mental illness combined with the physical maladies have repercussions that weigh heavily on all involved. This is not simple. There is a “price” to be paid for being sick. One cannot minimize the help that is needed in order for the patient to return back to “normalcy.” The courage and fortitude that one needs to undertake this return is almost always a slow, upward climb. Without that strength of conviction, it simply would not be possible and the consequences of not achieving goals are far reaching, both for the patient and anyone who has any relationship with him/her. 

What inspires you? That is a very broad, yet complex question. I’ve often thought that there are few people or instances that inspire me. Why? I think it’s being numbed. Through the years I’ve made friendships with my patients, practically all of them, and have loved them all as well. At times, they have passed and have gone to their just rewards. I’ve been to their funerals and have wept with their family members. The devastation of the permanency of death is palpable. Over the years, I’ve acquired a certain numbness to death for my own preservation, but not really. On occasion, I would see great peace and acceptance in some of the family members and that always intrigued me when I was an atheist. Previously, as an atheist, I was always quite circumspect about death. It seemed so out of place with life, so meaningless. Why have all of this living with family, friends, good times and whatever, only to be subjugated to such a gross finality? So, these certain “creatures,” who looked so peaceful and rested in their loved one’s demise always fascinated me. We’re they on drugs? Did they take a chug or two before the service? What was it? 

Several years ago, God came into my life all of a sudden. It’s a long story, meritorious of another time. Suffices to say that the grace of God came to me when I was not looking for it. That changed everything! My perspective on life changed. Death was not an end but a beginning. I finally understood why those people who were sitting there so complacent were not complacent at all. They were joyous. Why? Because their loved one was now with God. Throughout all the years I had been so afraid of death, I now came to the conclusion that death is just a passageway to something far greater: God. The certainty that I could die and spend eternity with God is inspirational to me. And, yes, it should be for you as well. See, I’m a Christian. In Christianity, Jesus came from heaven to assume human nature and become man so that He could die for our sins. Not only that, but He was resurrected and assumed His rightful place in heaven once more where one day, we can be with Him. Now, the offer is there for all, but there’s a catch; one must freely choose to have a relationship with Him, not because He’s a good, moral teacher, but because He’s God. For me, that’s the most inspiring thing I could ever imagine. Life is not a mindless disarray of random molecules floating around in an empty void of a purposeless abyss. If so, then inspiration becomes numb and helping all those people get through their sickness with their family’s is a great lie and the greatest fraud one could possibly commit. 

The Unveiling

Estimates consider that perhaps one billion people have died in war since humankind has been on this planet. Since recorded history, only 8% of that time have people been at peace with each other. Moreover, civilian casualties in wars usually number far greater than the soldiers killed in that particular war. The eight main causes war include: economic gain, territorial gain, nationalism, revenge, civil war, revolutionary war, defensive war, and religion. There seems to be a unifying thread in all of these wars: humans just don’t get along. If you think we are inherently good, just look at the last century, historically, and you might get a different perspective. Evil exists. Period. From a “moral” perspective, humankind has done nearly irreparable harm to itself and to the planet as well because of war. You would think that lessons would be learned, yet history seems to repeat itself over and over again. Why? Because humans are not good. That’s why. Why are humans not good? We have a sinful nature. Morally, we are engrained from birth to have a sinful nature. If you don’t believe me, have kids. Yes, what most think of as evil are those weirdos who do despicable harm to others, such as lynching, torture, serial killers, pedophiles, and such. However, if were to be honest with ourselves, are we truly good? In, Why Does God Allow Evil, Clay Jones poses this scenario: 

“So, we need to ask ourselves Solzhenitsyn’s question: If our lives turned had out differently, if we had never become Christians, if we had been born in a different society or at a different time, could we have been a guard in Auschwitz or in a Soviet gulag? If we answer yes to this question, then it shows that there really is something wrong with humankind. But for those who answer no to this question, I have two things to say. First, I would ask them on what logical or evidential basis could they possibly conclude that they were somehow born innately better than the millions of those who committed these atrocities or who at the very least condoned those who committed them. Then I would also remind them that belief in one’s innate superiority is almost always the father of genocide. Like it or not, we were all born Auschwitz-enabled.”

No, we are not good. But let me ask you a question? Do you believe that the greatest war against evil exists solely on this planet or is there something else? I suggest that the greatest and most diabolical war is being waged spiritually, unbeknownst to a great majority of humans walking around. And, this battle is unseen, invisible, imperceivable, and dastardly as it has eternal consequences. Perhaps you may have heard of the devil. He has many names: Satan, Lucifer, Son of the mourning, Tempter, Beelzebub, The Evil one, and the enemy, just to name a few. Sure, a lot of people do not believe that Satan exists. It’s all funny. He’s that “guy” with the pitchfork, tail, and horns dressed in red. Can you prove that Satan exists? After all, if he does, he’s a fallen angel and lives in the spirit world so, how can you prove he exists, if he does? The answer is no. One cannot prove the existence of Satan, demons, or angels. That’s true. One might refer to the Bible, referencing Satan as real and not imaginary. The problem is if one does not believe the Bible to be true, it would be hard to prove Satan’s existence. There is no physicality to him. So, therein lies the problem. No proof, no Satan. Nothing to worry about. If you can’t see him, hear him or touch him, he doesn’t exist. It’s all made up. The battle for good and evil is all in this reality and nothing else exists. Granted. Understood. 

May I suggest another possibility? What if Satan was real? What if the greatest con job ever concocted was that he duped everyone into believing he didn’t exist? What if the true war rages between your two ears; in your mind? What if this enemy was so clever, so smart, so conniving, so sinister, so evil that his mind games against you could have eternal consequence? Let’s look at the Bible for a moment. No, I won’t prove to you its inerrancy and that every word in it is true and authoritative. That’s for another story. But, for the sake of argument, let’s look at the book Ephesians. Now, the apostle Paul wrote this letter to the people at Ephesus 2000 years ago. Back then, the most powerful empire in the world was the Roman Empire. Paul, in his letter, spoke of this spirit war as if one had to put on armor, like the Roman soldier, for war against Satan. In the sixth chapter of Ephesians, Paul talks about putting on the armor of God: “the spiritual resources given to them in Christ, namely, the truth, righteousness (v. 14), gospel (v. 15), faith (v. 16), salvation, and the Word of God (v. 17).” If one is to put on this “armor,” he/she can defend themselves from the spiritual war that Satan wages every second against humankind. If one doesn’t put on this armor or God, they are a guaranteed casualty. 

Let me give you what I experienced. Again, I could be lying, making this all up for your distraction or I could be completely crazy and in need of psychiatric counseling and some heavy meds, or I could be telling the truth. You judge. My wife and I were going to Texas to see my son who was going to school there. We had gotten into Tyler and arrived to his apartment. Later that night, my son was gracious enough to give us his bed while he slept on the sofa. Then this dream occurred: There was a stained-glass window. Out of it came a candy corn in a reverse triangle that came towards me. It was yellow, orange, and blue. Suddenly, the candy corn burst into this huge black cloud that had sparkles in it. The color of the cloud was blacker than the color black. I felt this presence of evil that I had never felt before. Without exception, it was the scariest moment in my life. It proceeded towards me, slowly. The presence of evil was engulfing. At that moment, I started screaming at the top of my lungs in my dream, “In the name of Jesus, be gone!” Repeatedly, I screamed this. Now, my wife who was lying next to me, not in my dream (later she tells me), was awakened by my screams and heard my chant. She saw the abject terror in my face and was afraid to wake me up. She began to cry. Back to me, well, the cloud stopped, receded back into the candy corn, back into the stained-glass window and I woke up to find my wife in tears. I relayed my dream to her and it frightened her. Later, we headed back to Chicago, where that night I was terrified to go to sleep. I know, night terrors, some chemical imbalance, the lasagna, whatever. But it happened. I find myself to be a rational thinking, reasonable human being with intellect and understanding. But this, this was otherworldly and, evil. 

What do I expect from anyone reading this? Absolutely nothing. I have no axe to grind. I’m not in the conversion business. That’s not my job. As a Christian, I do believe in God and I do believe in Satan. No, they’re not equal in power. Satan is a created being. His defeat was at the cross. I’m suggesting that spiritual warfare is truly the biggest war waged against humankind. If you’re satisfied that this is all hocus pocus, no big deal, I’ve got weightier matters to deal with; no problem. It made for a good story and have a nice day. However, if whatever I’ve said has any merit whatsoever, be very wary of who you’re dealing with. See, Satan hates humanity and God with everything he’s got. To try to battle him alone without the armor of God is a big mistake. Anyway, for those of you who like happy endings, God wins in the end!

Being Rooted

Have you ever clicked with someone so deeply and profoundly that the friendship was like breathing in air? Effortless.? There’s no quarreling because that would be a grossly inconvenient waste of time. There’s so much to share and it seems that there’s not enough time to share it. The topic invariably is one and only one. That’s what is common and comfortable. It’s easy. So easy in fact that you can’t wait to have the next conversation because the interest in that conversation is nurturing and gratifying. In fact, if there isn’t conversation, there seems to be a void. Sometimes, the anticipation of the conversation is overwhelming. Why? Well, the topic, it’s nearly always the same yet the themes of the topic are endless and even more, they are joyous and revelatory all at the same time. Yes, there are seasons in which one discovers a new ally, that someone who you never thought you would have so much in common with, not necessarily on a mundane level, but on something much deeper and wondrous that you ever thought possible. Sometimes, that someone may not have the same upbringing or culture or perhaps may not even look like you, but there’s something there that reaches beyond the superficial, beyond the intellect or emotion, but to the soul. That special someone is not even special, saved for the one thing that binds us beyond any human capacity. Yes, that bond is Jesus, the Christ, the Son of the living God! That’s the click.

See, you can have many acquaintances, many friends, many best friends, whatever. Yet, what holds you together as friends is fleeting and never truly lasts no matter how long the friendship lasts. Why? Because the friendship is finite. We die. That’s why. But the click I’m talking about has nothing to do with one friend or the other. There’s no comparison. There’s no degree. There’s no reference point of contention. No, the friendship I’m talking about is an eternal one borne from another. The only commonality worth discussing about has nothing to do with either friend. It’s about Jesus and Jesus alone. There no Jesus plus, just Jesus. See, the presence of God in your soul longs for fellowship, fellowship with Him and fellowship with other believers. Why? Because once you’re saved, that’s all you think about is a relationship with Christ and love for others. It’s a special club, a salvation club, but it’s offered to all and, it’s free. The only condition is that one must have is a relationship with Jesus to get into the club. That’s where the problem begins. See, most folk don’t want a relationship with Jesus. They want to pick their own God or lack thereof. Totally understandable. Free will, I get it. But, the joy of having this relationship with Christ defies any description. It’s ineffable. For those who have this relationship with Jesus, well, you start finding others that have the same feeling you have about Christ. It turns out that the feeling is exactly the same one you have. I’ve traveled and seen many people from all over and the fellowship with another believer is unmistakable. It’s exactly the same and the camaraderie is beyond words. All you do is talk about Jesus. Why? Because Jesus loves us so much that He pursued us by becoming human, getting butchered and mutilated on a cross, bearing our sin so that we could be with Him forever in Heaven. Now, that’s something to talk about!

Getting back to this click. See, I do have a friend. He’s like me. We have Jesus in common and we can’t wait to talk about Him when we speak to each other every day. No, it’s not a bromance. It’s a love of Jesus. We’re Jesus freaks! What’s a Jesus freak? Well, someone who loves Jesus more than you do. So, every day we talk endlessly about Christ. And, it never gets boring, in fact, it’s exhilarating. Can’t stop. Sometimes, the conversation leads us to discover new truths about what God has revealed to us. Sometimes, it’s just about how BIG He is. Sometimes, we just stop and reflect on how awesome He is. There’s a lot of discussion about verses in the book, you know, the Bible. Yeah, a lot of people think it’s just a fairytale book or a good source of moral teachings. Still others, well, they think the book is cruel and unjust, and just plain wrong. I’m not here to convince anyone about anything. You know why? That’s not my job. Yes, not my job. That’s above my pay grade. That’s God’s job. I’m just here to tell you how I feel about Jesus and what He’s done in my life. Come to think of it, that’s exactly what my friend thinks as well. See, we have the same God inside of us and that’s cool. 

It’s called being rooted. Being rooted means being established deeply and firmly in something or someone. When you think of God (the Father) being the Vinedresser, Jesus is the vine and the believer is the branch. See, your rooted. You can do nothing without Jesus. Being rooted means that Jesus is your life and you solely dependent on Him, otherwise you wither and die. Being rooted means that you no longer occupy the first place in your life, Jesus does. There’s no plan B. All preoccupation is on Christ. He handles all your affairs. Being rooted means God is in the driver’s seat and your back seat letting Him take control. Being rooted means your trust and love for God supersedes any love you would have for any other thing or anyone else, including yourself. That means family as well, including your husband or wife. Being rooted means you give up your life for Christ as He gave up His life for you. The thing is, you don’t have to go through the misery, torture, and sacrifice He did for you. Yes, being rooted means you give up your perceived freedom to get guaranteed eternal freedom with God. See, being rooted to God is fellowship. That’s what the click is all about with my friend. That’s the special nature of our friendship. That’s why it’s beyond love or anything that the world could possibly give us. The click is being rooted in Christ. Are you rooted?

Tick Tock

So many (fill in the blank), so little time. From the moment we’re born, it’s a race to the finish line. We are always in a hurry to get somewhere else. Deadlines to meet. We spend more time worrying about time when we don’t have the time to worry about it. Time is fleeting. As time goes by. Great timing. I don’t have time, mom. Time, time, time. It’s ticking. It’s moving along and there’s nothing we can do about it. If we just had a little more time. Seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months and years; oh my! The time from here to there. There’s not enough time. Some say they’ve got too much time on their hands. Others hate time. There’s not enough of it. We hurry from oasis to oasis, from vacation to vacation, from all the time at work. At work, we think of when I get time off. On vacation, we spend our time thinking how fast time flies when you’re having fun. Why is it that time marches on faster on vacation then while at work, or so it seems? The anticipation of time can be frustrating, if not frightening. Eventually, time comes to an end. Death, is the end of time for all of us, or is it? 

Some worry about time. “How much time do I have left, doc?” “I’m two weeks late.” “You have 15 minutes left on this examination.” “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. We have ignition.” Some have nothing but time. Those unfortunate souls deliberately placed themselves there, or did they? Some are existentialists or pantheistic. Time is illusory. Others, well, they couldn’t care less about time because they simply don’t have the capacity to fathom the concept of time. Whatever the case, time, in one way or another, has governed the lives of just about everyone that ever existed or ever will exist. Is time a friend or is it a curse? The answer is yes. It depends on your point of view. For those who are atheists, this time they have on this rock is all they’ve got. Not much time. For others, well, there’s the illusion of time. There really is no such thing as time. Still others believe that there is another time after this time. Life after life. More time. 

There’s a simple question that must be answered by all of us: is time simply a product of a mindless, purposeless, empty, chaotic post “Big Bang” universe that randomly happened or was it created by God? Does time have us trapped like prisoners without possibility of “parole” or do we have eternity to look forward to? See, that’s the question, isn’t it? If time on this planet is all we have, then time becomes an obsession. There is no time. Eat, drink, and be merry, right? It’s somewhat difficult to conceptualize consequence when there just isn’t enough time. Sure, one can get duped into doing the right thing, good morals and behaviors, help your fellow human and all that, but the clock is ticking, and then what? No time. Your dead. Poof! Gone. Next. Some find that comforting because then they become their own god and can do whatever they want and in their own time. The reality is, people governed by their own god are surprisingly unsettled about time. So, what then? What about God? Are we just taking up space like rocks or any other matter on this planet or do we have a purpose for this time we’ve been given?

Let’s suppose there is a God. Let’s go one step further, He’s personal. Even more, He created the universe and all of humankind so that we could have relationship with Him. Furthermore, He promises eternal life with Him! Don’t you think that our perspective of time would change? Maybe then, instead of thinking about ourselves, we could think more freely about others because, well, we’ve got time. In fact, eternity is a long time. How long? Well, a college professor of mine described it this way: “A bird come to the top of Mount Everest and pecks at it for one hour and then flies off only to come back every million years until Mount Everest is reduced to rubble. And then, you still have eternity!” I think one’s perspective might change a little, don’t you? Of course, some fear time after death. What if there’s Hell? Most people who believe there’s a Hell don’t think they’re going there. That’s interesting, isn’t it. Most people in fact think they’re good. Well, they’ve may have sinned once or twice, but nothing so drastic that would merit Hell. Hell is for the really bad people, like Hitler, Stalin, and such. The majority, well, are decent folk, meritorious of a pass to their cloud on the highway to Heaven, where most of their friends will be, not to mention family as well. Yes, a good time in Heaven with all the good folk and, plenty of time to enjoy it too. 

Truth be told, no one is good. Not a single person who ever existed, or ever will exist. Yes, there’s much argument about this. Not everyone agrees. But, what if I’m right? See, most people think that there is a God and that there is eternity, and they’re going to Heaven. Yet, that’s not quite correct. For example, if God does exist, then He’s holy, set apart, eternally good, incapable of sinning. Well, sin is a rebellion against a holy God. There’s not one single human that has not sinned at least once. I hope we can agree on that one. The problem is, sin and God do not mix. God will not allow sin where He resides, which is Heaven. So, there’s the rub. One sin, yes, guess what, Hell. Why? Well, read back a few lines. God and sin don’t mix. That’s why. There’s a problem. We are the problem. There are no good people without sin. Not one. So, our default position is, you guessed it, Hell. You might ask, what does all of this have to do with time? Eternity. Bingo! That’s a long time spending it in Hell. One might ask, is that fair of God? It’s not really anything bad we’ve done and eternity is such a long time, couldn’t He just forgive us and let it go? Well, read back. God is holy. No sin in Heaven. He’s just. He can’t let it go. You can’t stand before a judge after you got a ticket for going through a red light and say: “Your honor, well, you see, the previous 99 lights I went through were green. Couldn’t you let me off for this one?” That seems to be faulty logic. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, the punishment for the crime of sinning against an infinite God merits an infinite punishment. Hence, Hell. You got it, and without possibility of parole. Some say, who cares. Hell will be fine. I’ll be with all my friends there. It’ll be alright. I’ve got some bad news for those who think Hell won’t be that bad; it will! See, we are under common grace. Grace. That’s God’s way of giving humankind something they don’t deserve. God also gives mercy. Mercy is not getting what we do deserve. So, while we’re alive on this planet, we’ve got choices and we’ve got grace and mercy. Yes, Earth can be a real drag with all the pain and suffering but there’s always hope. It called common grace. God given. Guess what? In Hell, no common grace. No hope. No communication with God. Everlasting torment. 

But wait, there’s good news. Jesus. Yes, Jesus. For those who believe in Him, He took on our sin at the cross and you got His righteousness so you are now justified before a holy God and can spend eternity with Him. There are many that react badly about Jesus. Some say He’s intolerant. Why not, Allah, Buddha, the sun? Well, it’s complicated. Jesus claimed to be God. Look it up. So, either He was a weirdo and is buried in some mass grave somewhere, or worse, He was a liar and deceived everyone that has believed in Him for the last two thousand years or He was telling the truth; He’s God. So, if true, as God, He’s sinless, goes to the cross to bear the sins of everyone that ever existed or ever will exist, so that we could be reconciled to a holy God (The Father). I know, it’s confusing because we haven’t mentioned about the Trinity, so it gets complicated again. At any rate, you got two choices as C.S. Lewis stated: “One can say to God, ‘Thy will be done.’ Or God can say to one, ‘Thy will be done.’” I guess you got to pick a side, yours or God’s. And remember, time is ticking!

The Climb

The view from the mountaintop humbles you to imagine all that is seen was not just a matter of atoms coming together in random chaos to form this majestic picture. Sometimes, if one gazes long enough, you can hear your heartbeat and the deafening silence of the voice of God. Yes, the mountaintop is meaningful in so many ways. For example, it motivates you that achievement has arrived and you can rest in the glory of a job well done. Other times, there’s a sense of accomplishment; a means to an end. Still, one has to be careful that pride does not blur the glory of God. It takes devotion and humility to stand at the top and remember that the place you stand is not taken but given. The mountaintop must be enjoyed, understood, and contemplated upon. One doesn’t arrive by one’s own merit. That is the fantasy that is orchestrated ever so cleverly by the secular view of today. There is no place for God. “This is my doing with my sweat and hard work.” The view from the mountaintop may come with warning signs. Some may see themselves that it’s very lonely up at the top. Some may see jealousy, envy, hatred, and rage. Some may think themselves “better than.” One can only hope that there are lessons to be learned up there. Lessons? What lessons? Well, the mountaintop may not be the finishing line but a beginning point. Some may find that in reaching the top, there’s another mountain that is much higher than the one attained. And, where’s the end to the climb to the top? One climbs from mountaintop to mountaintop to get to the highest point only to find there’s still another mountain to climb that’s even higher. How frustrating it must be to search all your life for the highest point of view when you had been missing the point to view all along. 

For some, it’s about the climb and reaching the top is only a dream. There is no top, just the climb. That’s their essence. The struggle. The fight. The hard work. Job after, job, paycheck after paycheck, accomplishment after accomplishment, one scratches, kicks, and fights through the climb no matter how difficult the task. There’s a sense of victory, pride, and idolatry in climbing. It’s just as lonely, though. No one can climb with you just the way you climb. See, there’s a perfectionism about climbing. No one does it quite the way you do it. It requires hard work to be a great climber. Years of hard work. Those can’t be taken away. They are yours. You earned them and you’re going to keep climbing higher and higher until, what? See the climb in it of itself is not the problem. You know that, don’t you? It’s the climber. The climb, well, it’s always been there. And, it doesn’t necessarily need to be climbed. That’s up to the participant doing the climbing, or not. Seemingly, there has to be struggle in life. No rose smelling. That’s not what’s been taught for generations upon generations. From the cave, go out and kill the woolly mammoth. This is a responsibility. There’s no other option. Climb, you must. Yet, for whom do you climb? For yourself? For your family? Friends? There’s a “have to” in this climb which begets a certain sense of permanence as if you’re a gerbil on a wheel with no possibility of getting off, not because you can’t, but because you don’t want to. The climb is the reason. It’s fascinating that one gets so bogged down in life struggling to get from point A to point B only to find there is point C, and so on. What’s the point? Satisfaction? 

Still, there are those who are quite content at the bottom of the mountain. They know not. Not what? They don’t know any better? They are poor? They are ignorant? They are lazy? They inherited? They’re defective? What is it? Underachievers, procrastinators, dreamers, evildoers, weirdos, and the like. The misfits and dregs. God help them. Criminals, malcontents, and liars. Let’s rid ourselves of that segment. They’ll never reach the mountaintop. They have no desire for the climb. They’re worthless. But wait, were they ever given a chance? Perhaps, if one is “fair” about it and really focuses on what was given to whom and when, you might get a different perspective that maybe you’re not as great as you thought you were! Maybe, just maybe, there was a design to all of this and you haven’t been quite honest with yourself. Just maybe, there was a plan and you missed it. See, you were too busy on the climb to look back and see yourself at the bottom. Just maybe, when you’re at the top, you’ve missed helping out all those who are still climbing. Maybe, it’s not about you or the climb or the mountaintop, or even, the mountain. 

People get caught up with themselves because that’s what humans do. It’s about them. Sure, one can see glimpses of sanity and goodwill, but for the most part, humankind is selfish. Why? Well, they forgot about God. Yes, God. People don’t like to talk about God. They bring it up when it comes to religion. They make it about tradition or culture or whatever. It’s never about God. It’s about what God is, not WHO He is. See, God is a Person. He’s not some nebulous thing out there in outer space somewhere not caring about us. Sure, some just don’t believe in God, but you know what? He believes in you. See, we all have an imprint that was engrafted into us from the beginning. You can pretend it’s not there. You can spend all your life climbing. Yet, you’re missing the point of the story, the narrative, life. Sure, for thousands of years, philosophers have explained the circumstances of why we are here, the purpose or lack thereof of our existence. Well, you know what? They’ve got the imprint as well. People have been trying to figure God out, one way or another since the beginning. I’ll let you in on a secret; it’s really not that hard. No, I’m not a brainiac or some guru. I don’t have an IQ of 500. See, God told me the why.  No, I didn’t hear voices or see a burning bush. It just happened. An awareness. That’s all. God is not about the mountaintop, or the climb or even the bottom. God doesn’t need you to do anything. He has no needs. That’s why He’s God! He wants. Well, what does God want? He wants a relationship with us. It’s that simple, really. And, all this religion stuff, well, it really gets in the way of His relationship with us. 

We messed things up. If you don’t believe me, read any history book. The world is messed up. We did it. Sure, we can say that it was evolution. But honestly, we messed things up. Just remember the 20th century and that should shake you into reality. Some blame God. Sure, that’s easy. No responsibility on our part. He made us defective. It’s His fault. We don’t owe Him anything, right? That’s one way of looking at it. But that’s pride and idolatry talking, not reality. God is not the author of evil and suffering in the world. That’s not a God I would want to worship. How do I know this? Well, the argument states that if God is all powerful, then why evil? If God is all good, then why evil? Or maybe, He’s all powerful but not all good or maybe He’s all good but not that powerful. It’s an old dilemma that was first formulated by Epicurus around 300 BCE. Then, David Hume brought it to light in the 18th century during the so-called “Age of Enlightenment.” In my personal point of view, that was the “Age of Darkness.” See, God didn’t make robots. Yes, robots. This argument of Epicurus and Hume fails when free will or choice enters into the equation. We were perfectly capable of choosing God, but we didn’t. We chose ourselves to be “like” God and that was rebellion. See, God is love. But God is not just love. People want God to have their version of God. They want a God that they can manipulate. No. God is God. No bargaining. God is also: just, has wrath, is holy, blessed, immutable, sustains everything, subsistent, omnipotent, omniscient, and good. See, God is not made of parts. There’s not one attribute that is more or less than any other attribute. They are all God. So, with respect to rebellion, God is not the author of rebellion because there is free will or choice. Yet, God will not let rebellion stand. Otherwise, He wouldn’t be good or powerful. So, God enacted a plan of salvation to reconcile us with Him: Jesus. We can’t do it alone. Why? Well, we are the ones that are rebelling against God. We just don’t think it’s a big deal. It is, to God. No amount of works or climbs can get us to God. He has to do it. He has to fix it. That’s why, Jesus. God sent Jesus to fix rebellion because we couldn’t fix it ourselves. It’s complicated. But, it’s our only choice for wanting to be with God. Jesus. That’s the choice. He’s everything. He did everything. All we have to do is believe that He is the mountain, from the bottom to the top and all through His climb. Not ours. Stop climbing and start trusting I’m the One who did ALL the work for you. 

Pay Attention

I almost didn’t notice him as I knocked and entered the room. He was lying in bed, sleeping. It was dark in the room and with his complexion, I could have missed him if it wasn’t for his size and the fact that he was my patient. I thought he wouldn’t understand English as he seemed Latino enough, although that might, on the surface, sound truly racist and prejudicial, I did have twenty-four years of marriage with a Latina and had been to Mexico and Central America more times than you could count (oh, by the way, I was born in Costa Rica). At any rate, he spoke perfect English. I asked him why he was there and he told me he had passed out and felt dizzy. Fair enough. I took him at his word and examined him. Afterwards, I told him I would be running some tests and more than likely, he’d be leaving by the afternoon. He was good with that as he wanted to be home for Christmas and his son was having a birthday on the 23rd. Great. It was all good. 

I made some further “rounds” on other patients and got back to my “cubby hole” to dictate my notes. Of course, one of them was my tattooed friend upstairs. Yes, I forgot to mention that he was “tatted” from head to toe and we shared tattoo stories of crosses and such (I have many). On closer observation of his laboratory studies, there was a toxicology report: cocaine! Now, this may have never happened to you before but, whenever I see problems with addiction in a patient, the Holy Spirit literally grabs me by my scrub top and drags me back into the room. Off I went. I knocked again. He was very polite and surprisingly nonchalant about me coming back, almost as if I was coming back to release him from this “prison” hospital he was in. No, that was not the case. He had no clue what I was about to do which I had done hundreds of times before. 

“May I ask you a personal question,” I inquired? Yes, he said, inquisitively. And then, the Holy Spirit overtook me, as He had done so many times before. I told him I wasn’t here to judge him. I was here to love him. I was there to take off his shoes and wash his feet as Christ had done before in an act of unspeakable humility. I told him I had done ALL of the things he had done before and much more. See, he and I were not different. All of us have some sort of addiction, one way or another. I wanted him to relax and let his guard down so that he could hear what God was saying to him through my words. I asked him to promise me that he wouldn’t do drugs or drink alcohol anymore. I told him that he was here for a purpose. God had plans for him. I told him: “God loves you more than anyone or anybody that ever loved you, including yourself. And, you can’t serve two masters; Its God or the world.” I told him he was important to God and that he could reach people I couldn’t reach and that I could reach people he couldn’t reach. That was the fellowship bond that we shared in common with Christ. I told him we were brothers in Christ and that fellowship was important to God. He looked at me and stared. I could see tears welling up in his eyes as he brushed them back. He promised he would never do drugs or alcohol again. Ordinarily, I would have hugged him but in these times of COVID-19, I didn’t want to expose him to what I had had. 

See, it doesn’t matter how rough and tough one thinks they are. I’ve seen it so many times from all shapes and sizes, all colors, all genders. It doesn’t matter. People are people. They have the image of God imprinted in their souls. They may refuse Him but He never refuses them!  That’s why I can approach anyone, no matter who they are, as long as it’s not me that’s doing the approaching, but God using me as a vessel. Then, they don’t see me. They see Him. They see love. Perhaps, they’ve never seen that kind of love. God’s love is different. He doesn’t place conditions. His love is infinite. His love is without need. His love is real. It’s important to pay attention. Sometimes, one has to listen first. Hey, that’s why the two ears and one mouth, right? Jesus said: “It’s not what goes into a man’s mouth that defiles him, but what comes out.” I think that means your heart tells the real story about how you really feel about someone. Paying attention maybe the way in, but that’s not the final act. What’s really important is in the demonstration, the action; what you do next that matters. See, words are just that, words. Actions are different. Actions show people where you heart is and that, is love. When you sacrifice what you have without expecting anything in return, that’s godly. 

Today was a great day. Today, I got to spend time with God. Today, I showed up. God’s always there, waiting for us to show. Most of the time we don’t. Sometimes, I think that breaks God’s heart. I mean, I’m a father. When my kids don’t talk to me, I get sad. I can’t even imagine how God must feel. He made us. He loves us. He gave up His Son to condescend to be human, get butchered and mutilated, then be nailed to a cross and die for us so that we could be reconciled to the Father and thus be with him forever. I guess the absolute very least I could do is maybe give God a little bit of my time. See, having a relationship with God is like having a relationship with your absolute very best friend you’ve ever had. But, if you only talk to him/her every blue moon, what kind of a relationship is that. Now, don’t get me wrong, here. God doesn’t need us. He doesn’t need anything. It’s better than that. It’s infinitely better: He wants us. He pursues us. He never changes, ever. So, next time you’re on the run and want to do the whole “in and out” thing with a person because you’re in a hurry to get to the next person, take pause and, pay attention. God does. 

Graduation Day

After one year, He finally gave me an answer. I had walked those two shepherds every morning at five in the morning for one year. He did not answer me once. Nothing, nada, zilch. But that one morning was different. He talks to me, but not the way you would think. It’s not a burning bush, an audible voice like we talk. It’s an awareness of a thought that I would have never thought of, as it had never been in my recollection to begin with. No, it was Him. Biola University. That’s it. At first, I thought, Loyola University. Yes, that’s close by. It makes sense. Biola. The thought continued. So, I finished my walk and went to the internet. La Mirada, California? What was I going to do there? I looked at the programs at Biola and there it was, screaming to me on the page: APOLOGETICS! What was I going to apologize to God for? No. It was from the Greek word meaning defense. This was a program in how to defend the tenets of Christianity. Sure, it made sense.  A Master’s Degree? 

Why not. What? Wait! Next day, I couldn’t wait to walk the dogs and bargain. One thing I found out about God. He doesn’t bargain. Biola. So, I’m a cardiologist and you want me to get a degree in apologetics at one of the most prestigious schools in apologetics in the country? I really don’t have time for this. I work eighty hours a week. My transcripts from two colleges, my medical school transcripts, so many years ago, I mean, really? Biola. I thought I was losing my mind. So, I proceeded to call the universities and medical school to amass all the documents and sent them to Biola. One and a half months later, on a Saturday (not Monday through Friday), I get a call: “Hi this is so and so from Biola University and would like to speak to Danielle Degarollami.” Yes, I’m Daniele De Girolami. “We would like to ask you one question?” Yes, I said. “Do you believe in evolution?” I said no. I believe God created everything. “Ok, we will get back to you. Thanks.” I stood there looking at my phone as if it had legs or something. One hour later, he called back! “Sir, you’ve been accepted into the Master’s program in Christian Apologetics at Biola University.” Dumbfounded, I sheepishly replied, you’re kidding, right? For real? “Yes sir.” I said thank you and hung up. Now, to tell you that I had an ah-ha moment would be a gross understatement. Wow, I thought. God was up to something. 

Sure, I told everybody I could think of and many I never thought of that I was enrolled online at this program. Some thought; great, some; not so great. Anyway, when would I have the time to study? I had not planned ahead. Obviously. I never thought I’d get in. By the way, I did tell you; you just never bargain with God. So, some days later, a package came with all the essentials. Oh, my goodness, I hadn’t been a student in many, many years. Buying books, listening to lectures, writing papers; this was just more than I bargained for. Throughout this, I had a job to go to and a family to support. The juxtaposition of all of this made very strange bedfellows. Never mind you that it was God’s idea, not mine and well, I couldn’t just say no to God! Overwhelmed, hit me like a slap in the face. Determined, I went to the most important source I could think of: Amazon. I started a collection of books on Jesus that probably span over 700 by now. I was serious about this. And why? Well, you know. 

Over the years, the courses got harder and harder. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know. The professors at this university were top notch. Two of the top 100 philosophers in the United States were from Biola. I took a few courses from one of them and my mind is still spinning to this very day. I delved deeper and deeper into the material. I read the Bible cover to cover and then again, an again. The Resurrection of Jesus, the Incarnation of Jesus, the Trinity, the existence of God, the inerrancy of Scripture; it was endless. Books and papers piled up into my computer. Thank God for Kindle and Word. Many nights, I thought that I was never going to finish. It’s too hard. I had to take trips to different states to listen to Evangelical Philosophical Society conferences. I ran the gamut from east to west. I spent days in motel rooms, alone, writing papers. Then, flying back home to see my wife, Sonja, for a moment only to get up the next morning and go back to work. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year (seven to be exact), I studied and studied, and studied. 

Yes, I got great grades and learned a great deal. I made some great friends who loved the Lord just as much as I did. Most of them were around my age. Go figure! I must admit that through all of this, I didn’t think that I would ever be good enough to do it. Yes, I owe a great deal of gratitude to my sister, Liana. Yes, she proofread my papers like an editor from one of those high-powered publishing companies. She was tough, but insightful. I give her great thanks and a big hug. All in all, it was for a good cause, right? God asked me to do it, so I did. When I think back to all those years of going through it and all the thousands and thousands of pages read, the writing, the traveling, the stress, would I do it again? You know the answer. No bargaining. I remember in 2019, it was summer and I went to Los Angeles to the university to do some course work there for ten days. It was fantastic. Plus, got to spend some time with my daughter Adriana and her boyfriend, Nick. We hiked up Mount Allen one beautiful sunny day on Father’s Day. Perfect. Coming back home was hard as I don’t get a chance to see them very often but who knows what the future holds? Well, you guessed it. COVID-19! 2020. Like Dickens said: “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.” My last year and I couldn’t even graduate at the school. My family was planning this great trip to Los Angeles to see me graduate. It wasn’t meant to be. There was a back and forth from the institution regarding the convocation but it just didn’t work out. Perhaps, in 2021, I could go to the commencement ceremonies with the summer graduating class, mask and all. Who knows? 

December 18th, 2020. Graduation Day. It was Friday. A very busy day at the office. Then, I went to see my phone which I had set aside while doing a procedure. Flowers from my children in California. Beautiful. The day was coming to a close. Three more patients and I was free. Free to enjoy my graduation day with some cheese, crackers, and some carnitas. Yes, this graduation day was going out with a whimper or so I thought. See, one can never outsmart God. Just when you think He forgot about you; He show up in a big, unimaginable way. God is like that. You think He’s God. He’s too busy. He has other things to do. He doesn’t have time for me. He’s not personal. Then, He shows up! He’s big. Ineffable. That’s what happened.

After five months of being really sick, COVID-19 even, going through the motions of work, depressed, tired, weak, full of anxiety, and insomnia to boot, my final paper was drawing to a close. My day had come and all the years of hard work had paid off. I was done, did. Next. See, God has His plan. You make yours and I guess He laughs. What I didn’t expect was today. Today was my graduation. But the true graduation was waiting for me with the next patient. I had known her from the hospital. She was involved in cleaning in the hospital. She had come with her son. She told me of her pain in her legs and we planned for surgery. Then, as I was leaving out the door she said: “Doctor, my son doesn’t believe in God. Could you tell him of your testimony?” Sure, I said. I told him my testimony, how God came into my life 9 years ago. I explained many things to him, about how God was not a religion but a Person who wants a relationship with us. I spoke for about 45 minutes. After which, God showed me what all these years of study were really about. Her son, David, then asked: “Could you be my mentor? I want to know more.” I was stunned. I gave him my cell phone number and told him to call me anytime to talk. I left in wonderment of what God had taught me today on graduation day. Today, I was taught that it really isn’t about me. It’s about God and whom He loves, which is everybody! Today, this kid asked for a mentor, but there is a much greater Mentor: Jesus. Yes, today, God was my graduation present as He was present on my graduation day. Glorifying the One who chose me when I didn’t deserve anything from Him. That why, Biola. That’s why, all the years of struggle. That’s why the months of sickness. Pay attention and you might just catch a glimpse of how God works in your life. See, He doesn’t bargain, but how He gives love. Today, was graduation day from thinking about me to thinking about Him. Thanks, God. 

The Tower of COVID

Originally, there was another. Babel, they called it. A rebellion against God. Why? Well, people wanted to be God. Here we go again. They wanted to defy God. Build a tower so high and powerful that God couldn’t destroy it with another flood. Defiance. A pyramid-like structure constructed of mud brick in before 2200 BCE. The people were in great disobedience to God. So, what did God do? He confused them and gave them different languages so they couldn’t talk to each other. Hence, the tower wasn’t finished and people scattered. So much for being God or trying to defy Him. Didn’t work out so well, did it?

Here’s another story. Perhaps it’s worse. Certainly, it’s not better. It starts today. Yes. Today. With you and I. The tower of COVId. Yeah, you know the one. There are how many countries in the world today? 195? And, how many languages? 6500? I believe that’s diverse, ok? God mixed it all the and, He’s mixing it up all over again, now. Yes. COVID has become the new Tower of Babel. See, we’ve been trying to be like God since humans came into existence. You may not believe in Adam and Eve, but they sure did. They tried to be like God as well. For that matter, the guy with the pitchfork did as well. Although, he really isn’t a guy with a pitchfork. He much, much craftier and scheming than that. He was the most beautiful of all angels. Trouble is, he wanted God’s place. That didn’t go so well for him. He got kicked out of heaven so fast it made his head spin. Like a bolt of lightning it says in the Book.

Getting back to the COVId tower. I think God is very patient. He must be when He sees all the trouble we get ourselves into, some by design, some by serendipity. What’s the lesson here? What is God trying to teach us in this year of 2020? Obviously, it like Babel, isn’t it? I mean we’ve gone in so many different ways. The whole world has been affected and I don’t see many of us getting together, much less having any sense of compassion or decency. It seems like the whole world stopped caring. Much of not all is about fear. Fear of death. Fear of hope. Fear of faith. Fear of neighbor. Fear of God. The mask is the answer, no, social distancing, no the vaccine. Will we ever get to go outside again without being anxious or afraid? Family members haven’t seen family members. And then, to top it all off, one gets angry. Look at that idiot who’s not wearing a mask. Or maybe, his/her nose is not covered. How many times has he/she worn the same mask. The grocery store is a free-for-all. Restaurants? Forget it. Theaters? Nope. All the stuff we used to do like daily walks to the mall, sports gatherings, family gatherings, a barbecue with your friends and neighbors; that’s all confusing and scary.

I don’t know how many times I’ve listened to my patients in the clinic and at the hospital and have heard confusion about what’s happening. When will this end? Will we ever go back to “normal?” Are you getting the vaccine? What does normal even look like anymore. And on top of all of that, you look back at pictures, movies, show, and events in your life when everyone was “happy,” and you wonder: “was I really happy then, and if I was, why does it hurt so much to see me in those pictures?” See, old time don’t necessarily inspire great memories. Why? Well, because there may not be those old times again exactly the way they were. Hey, we are all inching close to death, right? Well, death didn’t take a holiday, it took a quantum leap forward. Yes. We all go back to the Spanish Influenza of 1918. 60 million lost their lives. They got through it. Why can’t we. We are in the 21st century with all the latest technology. We got gobs over those people back then. We got social media, medicine, infrastructure, and the like. We should not be afraid. This is a brave new world. Is it?

What is different? We are. I can’t tell you about how the people of the past coped with whatever, whether it be influenza or famine or world wars. I do know this. It’s different. People are not united. They’re distant. They’ve created a trench, a moat around their fancy homes I like to call prisons. Yes, they’re our homes, but they’re prisons. Just ask anybody. I know, there are those who claim the virus isn’t a big deal. Who cares. It’s all concocted. It’s all a sham. It’s a conspiracy. They’re overestimating the impact. They want us sacred so they can control us. Open up everything. There’s herd immunity. The cry: “ I don’t know anybody who really got sick from it.” Again, confusion. People a speaking a different language through experience, their experience. But, is it collective experience? Sadly, no. It’s likened to being on a superstar basketball team and winning 6 rings, being a participant on the court and, well, a fan in the stands. When it’s you who watches your patient die in front of you and he/she is only 30 years old! That’s different, isn’t it. When, time after time, moment after moment, patient after patient, are draped over without any family members being present and you’re left there alone thinking: “when is the next one going to die?” That is confusion and, this tower of COVID has brought that upon the whole Earth.

It’s invisible. Is it on surfaces? Is it on my pizza? Is it in my hair? How many times should I wash my hand? Where do I go? Where can I go? Should I stay home? What happened to trust? What happened to faith? What happened to God? Yes. Where is He in all of this? Isn’t He supposed to protect us? I mean there’s so much death and suffering. Doesn’t He care about us? After all, He made us. Is it that simple? Blame God for everything. He’s all powerful. He’s all good. So why evil? Why COVID? Why are people acting so disjointed as if it’s all about me, me ,me, and no one else? What has COVID done to our world that there’s no cure for our own selfishness? Yes. Blaming God goes only so far. That He’s in charge, all powerful and all good, yes He is. He’s God. You’re not. That He is the author of evil? No. He’s not. Remember a little thing called free will? Well, it messed us all up, including the universe. And COVID, well, that’s not different from God’s point of view.

Where do we go from here? Look at it this way; you’ve got two options. One is to pout, gloat, and be miserable in your suffering with endless anxiety and worry. Another option is vastly different. This is not about a feel good message. Puff, and it all goes away. This is not luck or coincidence. This is not rolling the dice or tarot. This IS about God, but in a much more relational perspective. Look, God is not oblivious to pain and suffering. I mean, look at us! If you were God, wouldn’t you suffer looking at us? There’s hatred, evil, idolatry, pride, jealousy, envy, immorality, vanity, and rage. Billions of people at each other’s throats while we are manipulated and controlled by government, news, social media, political correctness, religion, technocrats, and whomever else can shape the foundations of sense of intellect, feelings, and will; our very souls! The world has gone to hell. Yes, and we did it to ourselves. This is not new. It’s been going on since the beginning. But, let’s be honest. This is not about God not caring, not being good enough, not being powerful enough to remedy to situation. That’s the exact problem we face: ourselves. Undeniably, we want to blame anyone, including God, but ourselves. That’s easy. He did it. I’m good. I don’t deserve this suffering. I go to church, whatever. In mot responsible. It’s over there, not in my house. I work, pay the bills. I take care of my kids. I’m good, and I’ll be the first to tell you.

Plan B. You’re not good. No one is good. If you think we are good, read history. That’s the problem with this country. Confusion. Everyone thinks they’re better than everyone else. The tower of COVID has brought goodness to light. The fact is, we are in darkness. All of us. No exception. I don’t care if you think yourself Mother Teresa. You’re not, and neither was she! We are all sinful, disgusting creatures meritorious of total abandonment from the only Person who is good: God. See, God got our attention or He should have, with COVID. he created this “Tower of Babel,” this disconnection, this disjointedness of all humankind so we could pay attention to what’s really important. See, God wants a relationship with us. Not religion, a relationship. How do I know this? Jesus. He hung on a cross so that we could be with God. Yes. I know. You don’t believe in Jesus. Well, maybe that’s what’s wrong. We are so confused that maybe we should start. Sure there are other religions, but there’s’ only one Jesus. You may not think He’s God, but You cannot deny He existed. You cannot deny that He died. Some deny that he didn’t die on that cross. Well, again, there’s that history part. He did. Wait, no one has ever come back alive? Well, It’s either a lie and He’s in some mass grave somewhere, He’s nuts and no one should follow Him (tell that one to the 2.5 billion people who follow Him), or He happens to be who He says He is: God. In which case, yes, He rose from the dead.

What does that have to do with COVID? Well, let’s get back to the suffering part. See, we all suffer. Life sucks. Jesus suffered. COVID confused us, but Jesus unites us? Why? Because of His suffering. See, as God, He condescended to become like one of us. And when He did that (which some celebrate every 25th of December, and not that clown Santa), He showed us real and true suffering. Maybe, we are like that. Maybe we can suffer like Jesus. Maybe, when we are scared, anxious, and angered, we can remember that we have the God, Christ, Jesus, who knows suffering and we can empathize with His suffering and our own. Maybe, our suffering won’t be as bad. He will “soften” our blow because He did what we do every single day: suffer. More so now that the confusion of COVID has got all of us in a whirlwind of suffering and fear. Maybe it’s about giving thanks. Thank you God for COVID. Thanks for reminding us of You. Thanks for reminding us of family and what’s truly important. Perhaps, maybe we could act more like You instead of more like us. Think about it.

Winter’s Coming

There are seasons. Seasons of hope, seasons of despair. Seasons of growth, seasons of decline. Seasons of youth, seasons of decay. Seasons of today, seasons of yesterday or tomorrow. Seasons of joy, seasons of sadness. Seasons of progress, seasons of stagnation. Seasons of life and seasons of death. There are seasons. 

Expectation is the prelude to disaster. In order to enjoy life to its fullest, plan to not plan. Take every day, every moment as a precious gift. Savor the time spent with yourself and others. Too often, intrusive thoughts mar whatever joy and happiness one could have. Too often, racing thoughts swarm around in the mind leaving the observer with nothing more than anxiety and worry. Just a thought. 

She was awake. Left in the aftermath of last night, she tossed and turned, examining her yesterdays and her friends. Who could have known that behind her velvet mask of charm, lay hidden myriads of problems, but no solutions. She laid motionless, barely daring to breathe for she could not possibly defeat all these thoughts at once. But then, a glimmer of hope. A peaceful rest came upon her as she was overcome by the peace of Christ in her heart. This has not been the first time. She treasured the pause in her frantic mind. Yes, she had been here before. Over the years, tragedy after tragedy had ripped her apart. Despite all this, she managed to move forward, with the help of Christ, to climb the hill of uncertainty once more. Determined was her shield of armor. Valiantly to all, yet humbly to her inner bastions, she set to conquer the day. But why? Why had it been so hard for her to imagine victory even after all the hell she was put through? She had a resilience of recovery about her. Yet, secretly she was afraid. She did not let on her fears to anyone. She was stalwart yet humble. She would not allow the drudgery of the day to impede what she needed to do to get by. She was her own heroine. She wouldn’t let anyone confuse her kindness with weakness. But what now?

Many days passed with the promise of conquering her fears about her circumstances. She was not alone. Many had tried to get into her inner circle, but to no avail. She didn’t let many in. Did she fear to be exposed? Certainly not! Whatever demons she had inside were hers to deal with. She did not ask for pity. In fact, she loathed it. She despised weakness, yet there was only one who could see her in that light. For that, she was eternally grateful that she had found the one who would console her once the doors were closed in the safety of her sanctuary. But, back to her. How to describe that which is ineffable? Words, words, words. She hated the pomposity of the quasi-cultured elite who batted words around like flies on shit. She was simple, not simple minded. She had a degree in street smart and aptly able to call out a fake in two seconds. At times, she seemed abrasive, perhaps even a bully, but no. she didn’t have that skill set. She was a woman’s woman and was not about to let anyone talk trash or pull the wool over her eyes. Yes, she was woman. Let her roar!

Tomorrow was the promise of another day, yet she clung to her past. There had been many rough spots. She remembered them all with categorical precision. One wouldn’t dare to come at her for a fight. It was that mind of hers that leaped to the forefront to dissect arguments, placing the offender in a pool of why’s. Yes, she was civil but not to be crossed, under the penalty of the third-degree assault on the opposing party. For her, it was not simply about respect, but above all, fairness. After all, what else was there? Or perhaps, honesty? Yes, that’s right. She demanded not to be treated as an idiot. The thought of lies made her want to vomit and she had had enough of those. After all, Scripture was replete with many who had lied and faced the consequences of their actions against a holy God. She simply would not be a part of it. 

Well, time to get out of bed. She had a million things to do or so she thought. The morning was always difficult for her as she planned the morning’s attack on her world. Methodically, she put everything in its place and carried out the every day rituals with razor-sharped precision. Today, was different however as she reflected on her own mortality. She was almost 50 now and contemplated what the future would hold for her. One gets to a certain age and pauses to reflect on the what ifs. Strange. She had thought of everyone else first. Their worries were hers. But today, she was shown something new. There are seasons. She remembered her youth. As a child, she could feel the warmth of being carefree. Life had not been simple by any means, but it was hers to conquer. As she had grown, it had gotten much harder. The climb to the top was vanishing. She felt like a salmon. Roadblock after roadblock, she jumped over each hurdle to get to some sense of accomplishment. All along, the path she took was twisted with many turns, but it was her path. She had no one to blame but herself. Bullshit! She had many to blame. Her life had been hard, yet she made it hers and made no excuses. She forged ahead. If they were to get in her way, step aside because she was going to succeed at any cost. After all, she just had one life to pull it together. She was going to make the best of it even though many had dragged her down in the process. She would eventually claim victory. Yes, there are seasons.

Reflections. As she sat drinking her coffee and reading her daily Scripture, she imagined what it would be like to be in the presence of Christ. She had adoration for her Lord and Savior. Her relationship with Him was intimate and personal. She made no excuses for how she felt about Jesus. She was a Jesus freak. What’s a Jesus freak? Someone who loves Jesus more than anyone else. She had been through the seasons of spring (growth) and summer (maturity). She was presently in autumn (reflection) and contemplated on winter (transition). What was there, beyond her flesh and bones, she pondered. What frontier lay ahead? She had read Scripture, yet found more questions than answers. She was not alone. Many who had come before doubted. It was the human condition. Why would she be any different? She wasn’t. At her age, one begins to see the light and the end of the tunnel. She caught a glimpse of it today and it caught her attention. No, this is not all there is. She had Christ in her heart. But she was curious. How does it all fit together? Why death? Why life? Why, why, why? Certainly, there must be a reason for all of this. These were questions that had been plaguing humanity since its dawn. She was not insecure in her faith. Jesus was too real for her. It just was the season. Winter is coming. In some sense there is a dread of winter. In another, marvel and beauty. Like seasons, God has made it clear: choice. As C. S. Lewis had said: “There are two kinds of people in the world. Those that say to God: ‘Thy will be done,’ and those that God says to them: ‘Thy will be done.’” She contemplated choice. She could not return to her mother’s womb. There was only one direction for every human: death. Was death to be feared or was it to be embraced? Yes, today was different, only because it was her birthday. She had awoken. She had gone through all the racing thoughts. She had gone through her rituals. She had loved. Her life was sublime, now. But, had she reached the crossroad. Winter was not upon her but she contemplated it so fiercely as if it engulfed her. But why? She wasn’t ready yet. It wasn’t her time. She was still young, or so she thought. Then she remembered. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. People die all the time, and at all ages. There is no escape. Wait! It’s not about escape. One can’t escape death. There must be another way. Rest. Her rest was found in Christ. He had been all of her answers. He had been there when no one else was there to save her from despair. Jesus was her greatest birthday present. Today, she reflected on all her birthdays. Some good and some bad. Today, it was different. Winter’s coming. Today, she realized that she didn’t have to face winter alone. Today, she felt the hand of Jesus giving her hope where the future with Him would be greater than all her seasons before. His yoke was easy. All she had to do is to take His hand. Yes, winter’s coming for all. But she didn’t have to face it alone.

For Sonja.