The Letter

      Nowadays, letters come in the form of emails. Sadly, the fresh ink on scented paper has vanished along with the DVD player and the home phone. Technology has replaced romance to a degree. There seems to be a finality to email documents. There’s a certain permanence to it in the sense of its distancing. One can’t get too personal in an email like a letter could. After all, a letter is handwritten with effort in lieu of clicking letters on a keyboard. One could make mistakes in a letter, like the “pops” on a record, which begets a certain personality of its own. Once one writes a letter, there’s no other letter quite like it and there are no myriads of copies and corrections to be made so that perceived perfection is gracefully lacking. Time has taken away the art of the letter. No one has time to write it down, then mail it. In this fast paced society in the world we live in, you can’t get an email fast out enough and then to respond to it without much thought. Maybe, that’s it, thought. Crafting an email letter entails much less thought to it, I surmise, as the euphemisms are fast and furious. In seems like the English language has been reduced to less than two hundred or so, “pat” words and phrases which everybody uses in their own colloquial way. There is a sense of point, counterpoint. One is drawn into email “battle” as the words are eroded into punchlines and one-liners. How adroit we have all come. The future has made us cold and plain. In a flash, one can know what another is thinking half way across the globe, and back again within seconds to minutes. One feels exposed and vulnerable without much thought taken into it. 

     Previously, letters would arrive in the mail, not just bills and throw away stuff, but true letters. For example, in the “old days,” one might have gotten bad news in a letter. The dread of opening the letter was palpable. Today, you get a simple standard email stating quite impersonally, you’ve been fired, or you failed your test, or you’re not my type, thanks. The “good” news is just as impersonal. I was privy to that a while back as I had received my congratulatory response to finishing several years of study in my Master’s Degree in Christian Apologetics in a very “standard” email. After all that hard work, thousands of pages read and hundreds of hours consumed over a seven year period of time, it was over in one email. Congratulations. The end. The void that email sent throughout my whole body could have sent shivers and tears for anyone with half a heart. It was painful and the banality of email proved it, once again. Perhaps, it’s much too much to ask that we, as a civilized society, pay attention to what we say in an email but, perhaps that is asking too much of ourselves, isn’t it? What would that requirement look like? Well, for starters, one might introduce caring, compassion, and humility. Yet, how are those conveyed in word text? The font seems so bland, doesn’t it? There is no life to it. Let’s face it, time has grabbed ahold of our manners and the email has replaced “good taste” with expediency. If only one could see the true emotions expressed in an email, perhaps, that could be a first start, but I warn you not to hold your breath. With the advent of social media, even emails have become like the DVD player, eventually being replace with the next best virtual “thing.”

     A reprieve. The other day, I thought to use the “email” etiquette and write an email to the head of my apologetics program. In that email, I poured out my true feelings and left my very heart on that email. I thanked the school, its professors, and classmates for a first rate education in my field of study. I truly miss my school. Sadly, at 65 years of age, I had to come to the long end of a road which God has asked me to travel on. I certainly never dreamed of finishing a Master’s Degree in Christian Apologetics at Biola University. It was truly a miracle, as far as I was concerned. So, in the email, I personally thanked all my professors, specifically, Dr. Craig Hazen, who is the head of the program. It was a thoughtful email as email’s go. I much rather would have preferred to write him a letter, but then would he have received it? Was there an expediency, a time factor, whatever? To my great delight, I did receive a response from Dr. Hazen, today, the 30th of January, 2021. It was a precious response, one which I will treasure the rest of my life. See, these professors had not only been teachers, they had been friends, and more importantly than that, they had been brothers in Christ. The humility that all of them showed me throughout my career at Biola culminated in the email sent by Dr. Hazen. He certainly wasn’t obligated to write a response, but he did. It was the manner of response that reminded me of a letter. See, when one gets a letter of the same category response that Dr. Hazen gave me in his email, it takes on a life of its own. \

It was kind, caring, and loving. Dr Hazen reminded me why I miss Biola so much. It wasn’t just about the learning, the studying, the grades, and such. It was about bearing fruit. The vine is Christ and today, Dr. Hazen remembered that bearing fruit means to give love and support. Today, I received a letter in the form of an email from a fellow believer. I felt part of a community. Thank you, God for giving me the great opportunity to be a part of the greater community. 

Tick Tock

So many (fill in the blank), so little time. From the moment we’re born, it’s a race to the finish line. We are always in a hurry to get somewhere else. Deadlines to meet. We spend more time worrying about time when we don’t have the time to worry about it. Time is fleeting. As time goes by. Great timing. I don’t have time, mom. Time, time, time. It’s ticking. It’s moving along and there’s nothing we can do about it. If we just had a little more time. Seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months and years; oh my! The time from here to there. There’s not enough time. Some say they’ve got too much time on their hands. Others hate time. There’s not enough of it. We hurry from oasis to oasis, from vacation to vacation, from all the time at work. At work, we think of when I get time off. On vacation, we spend our time thinking how fast time flies when you’re having fun. Why is it that time marches on faster on vacation then while at work, or so it seems? The anticipation of time can be frustrating, if not frightening. Eventually, time comes to an end. Death, is the end of time for all of us, or is it? 

Some worry about time. “How much time do I have left, doc?” “I’m two weeks late.” “You have 15 minutes left on this examination.” “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. We have ignition.” Some have nothing but time. Those unfortunate souls deliberately placed themselves there, or did they? Some are existentialists or pantheistic. Time is illusory. Others, well, they couldn’t care less about time because they simply don’t have the capacity to fathom the concept of time. Whatever the case, time, in one way or another, has governed the lives of just about everyone that ever existed or ever will exist. Is time a friend or is it a curse? The answer is yes. It depends on your point of view. For those who are atheists, this time they have on this rock is all they’ve got. Not much time. For others, well, there’s the illusion of time. There really is no such thing as time. Still others believe that there is another time after this time. Life after life. More time. 

There’s a simple question that must be answered by all of us: is time simply a product of a mindless, purposeless, empty, chaotic post “Big Bang” universe that randomly happened or was it created by God? Does time have us trapped like prisoners without possibility of “parole” or do we have eternity to look forward to? See, that’s the question, isn’t it? If time on this planet is all we have, then time becomes an obsession. There is no time. Eat, drink, and be merry, right? It’s somewhat difficult to conceptualize consequence when there just isn’t enough time. Sure, one can get duped into doing the right thing, good morals and behaviors, help your fellow human and all that, but the clock is ticking, and then what? No time. Your dead. Poof! Gone. Next. Some find that comforting because then they become their own god and can do whatever they want and in their own time. The reality is, people governed by their own god are surprisingly unsettled about time. So, what then? What about God? Are we just taking up space like rocks or any other matter on this planet or do we have a purpose for this time we’ve been given?

Let’s suppose there is a God. Let’s go one step further, He’s personal. Even more, He created the universe and all of humankind so that we could have relationship with Him. Furthermore, He promises eternal life with Him! Don’t you think that our perspective of time would change? Maybe then, instead of thinking about ourselves, we could think more freely about others because, well, we’ve got time. In fact, eternity is a long time. How long? Well, a college professor of mine described it this way: “A bird come to the top of Mount Everest and pecks at it for one hour and then flies off only to come back every million years until Mount Everest is reduced to rubble. And then, you still have eternity!” I think one’s perspective might change a little, don’t you? Of course, some fear time after death. What if there’s Hell? Most people who believe there’s a Hell don’t think they’re going there. That’s interesting, isn’t it. Most people in fact think they’re good. Well, they’ve may have sinned once or twice, but nothing so drastic that would merit Hell. Hell is for the really bad people, like Hitler, Stalin, and such. The majority, well, are decent folk, meritorious of a pass to their cloud on the highway to Heaven, where most of their friends will be, not to mention family as well. Yes, a good time in Heaven with all the good folk and, plenty of time to enjoy it too. 

Truth be told, no one is good. Not a single person who ever existed, or ever will exist. Yes, there’s much argument about this. Not everyone agrees. But, what if I’m right? See, most people think that there is a God and that there is eternity, and they’re going to Heaven. Yet, that’s not quite correct. For example, if God does exist, then He’s holy, set apart, eternally good, incapable of sinning. Well, sin is a rebellion against a holy God. There’s not one single human that has not sinned at least once. I hope we can agree on that one. The problem is, sin and God do not mix. God will not allow sin where He resides, which is Heaven. So, there’s the rub. One sin, yes, guess what, Hell. Why? Well, read back a few lines. God and sin don’t mix. That’s why. There’s a problem. We are the problem. There are no good people without sin. Not one. So, our default position is, you guessed it, Hell. You might ask, what does all of this have to do with time? Eternity. Bingo! That’s a long time spending it in Hell. One might ask, is that fair of God? It’s not really anything bad we’ve done and eternity is such a long time, couldn’t He just forgive us and let it go? Well, read back. God is holy. No sin in Heaven. He’s just. He can’t let it go. You can’t stand before a judge after you got a ticket for going through a red light and say: “Your honor, well, you see, the previous 99 lights I went through were green. Couldn’t you let me off for this one?” That seems to be faulty logic. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, the punishment for the crime of sinning against an infinite God merits an infinite punishment. Hence, Hell. You got it, and without possibility of parole. Some say, who cares. Hell will be fine. I’ll be with all my friends there. It’ll be alright. I’ve got some bad news for those who think Hell won’t be that bad; it will! See, we are under common grace. Grace. That’s God’s way of giving humankind something they don’t deserve. God also gives mercy. Mercy is not getting what we do deserve. So, while we’re alive on this planet, we’ve got choices and we’ve got grace and mercy. Yes, Earth can be a real drag with all the pain and suffering but there’s always hope. It called common grace. God given. Guess what? In Hell, no common grace. No hope. No communication with God. Everlasting torment. 

But wait, there’s good news. Jesus. Yes, Jesus. For those who believe in Him, He took on our sin at the cross and you got His righteousness so you are now justified before a holy God and can spend eternity with Him. There are many that react badly about Jesus. Some say He’s intolerant. Why not, Allah, Buddha, the sun? Well, it’s complicated. Jesus claimed to be God. Look it up. So, either He was a weirdo and is buried in some mass grave somewhere, or worse, He was a liar and deceived everyone that has believed in Him for the last two thousand years or He was telling the truth; He’s God. So, if true, as God, He’s sinless, goes to the cross to bear the sins of everyone that ever existed or ever will exist, so that we could be reconciled to a holy God (The Father). I know, it’s confusing because we haven’t mentioned about the Trinity, so it gets complicated again. At any rate, you got two choices as C.S. Lewis stated: “One can say to God, ‘Thy will be done.’ Or God can say to one, ‘Thy will be done.’” I guess you got to pick a side, yours or God’s. And remember, time is ticking!

The Climb

The view from the mountaintop humbles you to imagine all that is seen was not just a matter of atoms coming together in random chaos to form this majestic picture. Sometimes, if one gazes long enough, you can hear your heartbeat and the deafening silence of the voice of God. Yes, the mountaintop is meaningful in so many ways. For example, it motivates you that achievement has arrived and you can rest in the glory of a job well done. Other times, there’s a sense of accomplishment; a means to an end. Still, one has to be careful that pride does not blur the glory of God. It takes devotion and humility to stand at the top and remember that the place you stand is not taken but given. The mountaintop must be enjoyed, understood, and contemplated upon. One doesn’t arrive by one’s own merit. That is the fantasy that is orchestrated ever so cleverly by the secular view of today. There is no place for God. “This is my doing with my sweat and hard work.” The view from the mountaintop may come with warning signs. Some may see themselves that it’s very lonely up at the top. Some may see jealousy, envy, hatred, and rage. Some may think themselves “better than.” One can only hope that there are lessons to be learned up there. Lessons? What lessons? Well, the mountaintop may not be the finishing line but a beginning point. Some may find that in reaching the top, there’s another mountain that is much higher than the one attained. And, where’s the end to the climb to the top? One climbs from mountaintop to mountaintop to get to the highest point only to find there’s still another mountain to climb that’s even higher. How frustrating it must be to search all your life for the highest point of view when you had been missing the point to view all along. 

For some, it’s about the climb and reaching the top is only a dream. There is no top, just the climb. That’s their essence. The struggle. The fight. The hard work. Job after, job, paycheck after paycheck, accomplishment after accomplishment, one scratches, kicks, and fights through the climb no matter how difficult the task. There’s a sense of victory, pride, and idolatry in climbing. It’s just as lonely, though. No one can climb with you just the way you climb. See, there’s a perfectionism about climbing. No one does it quite the way you do it. It requires hard work to be a great climber. Years of hard work. Those can’t be taken away. They are yours. You earned them and you’re going to keep climbing higher and higher until, what? See the climb in it of itself is not the problem. You know that, don’t you? It’s the climber. The climb, well, it’s always been there. And, it doesn’t necessarily need to be climbed. That’s up to the participant doing the climbing, or not. Seemingly, there has to be struggle in life. No rose smelling. That’s not what’s been taught for generations upon generations. From the cave, go out and kill the woolly mammoth. This is a responsibility. There’s no other option. Climb, you must. Yet, for whom do you climb? For yourself? For your family? Friends? There’s a “have to” in this climb which begets a certain sense of permanence as if you’re a gerbil on a wheel with no possibility of getting off, not because you can’t, but because you don’t want to. The climb is the reason. It’s fascinating that one gets so bogged down in life struggling to get from point A to point B only to find there is point C, and so on. What’s the point? Satisfaction? 

Still, there are those who are quite content at the bottom of the mountain. They know not. Not what? They don’t know any better? They are poor? They are ignorant? They are lazy? They inherited? They’re defective? What is it? Underachievers, procrastinators, dreamers, evildoers, weirdos, and the like. The misfits and dregs. God help them. Criminals, malcontents, and liars. Let’s rid ourselves of that segment. They’ll never reach the mountaintop. They have no desire for the climb. They’re worthless. But wait, were they ever given a chance? Perhaps, if one is “fair” about it and really focuses on what was given to whom and when, you might get a different perspective that maybe you’re not as great as you thought you were! Maybe, just maybe, there was a design to all of this and you haven’t been quite honest with yourself. Just maybe, there was a plan and you missed it. See, you were too busy on the climb to look back and see yourself at the bottom. Just maybe, when you’re at the top, you’ve missed helping out all those who are still climbing. Maybe, it’s not about you or the climb or the mountaintop, or even, the mountain. 

People get caught up with themselves because that’s what humans do. It’s about them. Sure, one can see glimpses of sanity and goodwill, but for the most part, humankind is selfish. Why? Well, they forgot about God. Yes, God. People don’t like to talk about God. They bring it up when it comes to religion. They make it about tradition or culture or whatever. It’s never about God. It’s about what God is, not WHO He is. See, God is a Person. He’s not some nebulous thing out there in outer space somewhere not caring about us. Sure, some just don’t believe in God, but you know what? He believes in you. See, we all have an imprint that was engrafted into us from the beginning. You can pretend it’s not there. You can spend all your life climbing. Yet, you’re missing the point of the story, the narrative, life. Sure, for thousands of years, philosophers have explained the circumstances of why we are here, the purpose or lack thereof of our existence. Well, you know what? They’ve got the imprint as well. People have been trying to figure God out, one way or another since the beginning. I’ll let you in on a secret; it’s really not that hard. No, I’m not a brainiac or some guru. I don’t have an IQ of 500. See, God told me the why.  No, I didn’t hear voices or see a burning bush. It just happened. An awareness. That’s all. God is not about the mountaintop, or the climb or even the bottom. God doesn’t need you to do anything. He has no needs. That’s why He’s God! He wants. Well, what does God want? He wants a relationship with us. It’s that simple, really. And, all this religion stuff, well, it really gets in the way of His relationship with us. 

We messed things up. If you don’t believe me, read any history book. The world is messed up. We did it. Sure, we can say that it was evolution. But honestly, we messed things up. Just remember the 20th century and that should shake you into reality. Some blame God. Sure, that’s easy. No responsibility on our part. He made us defective. It’s His fault. We don’t owe Him anything, right? That’s one way of looking at it. But that’s pride and idolatry talking, not reality. God is not the author of evil and suffering in the world. That’s not a God I would want to worship. How do I know this? Well, the argument states that if God is all powerful, then why evil? If God is all good, then why evil? Or maybe, He’s all powerful but not all good or maybe He’s all good but not that powerful. It’s an old dilemma that was first formulated by Epicurus around 300 BCE. Then, David Hume brought it to light in the 18th century during the so-called “Age of Enlightenment.” In my personal point of view, that was the “Age of Darkness.” See, God didn’t make robots. Yes, robots. This argument of Epicurus and Hume fails when free will or choice enters into the equation. We were perfectly capable of choosing God, but we didn’t. We chose ourselves to be “like” God and that was rebellion. See, God is love. But God is not just love. People want God to have their version of God. They want a God that they can manipulate. No. God is God. No bargaining. God is also: just, has wrath, is holy, blessed, immutable, sustains everything, subsistent, omnipotent, omniscient, and good. See, God is not made of parts. There’s not one attribute that is more or less than any other attribute. They are all God. So, with respect to rebellion, God is not the author of rebellion because there is free will or choice. Yet, God will not let rebellion stand. Otherwise, He wouldn’t be good or powerful. So, God enacted a plan of salvation to reconcile us with Him: Jesus. We can’t do it alone. Why? Well, we are the ones that are rebelling against God. We just don’t think it’s a big deal. It is, to God. No amount of works or climbs can get us to God. He has to do it. He has to fix it. That’s why, Jesus. God sent Jesus to fix rebellion because we couldn’t fix it ourselves. It’s complicated. But, it’s our only choice for wanting to be with God. Jesus. That’s the choice. He’s everything. He did everything. All we have to do is believe that He is the mountain, from the bottom to the top and all through His climb. Not ours. Stop climbing and start trusting I’m the One who did ALL the work for you. 

Graduation Day

After one year, He finally gave me an answer. I had walked those two shepherds every morning at five in the morning for one year. He did not answer me once. Nothing, nada, zilch. But that one morning was different. He talks to me, but not the way you would think. It’s not a burning bush, an audible voice like we talk. It’s an awareness of a thought that I would have never thought of, as it had never been in my recollection to begin with. No, it was Him. Biola University. That’s it. At first, I thought, Loyola University. Yes, that’s close by. It makes sense. Biola. The thought continued. So, I finished my walk and went to the internet. La Mirada, California? What was I going to do there? I looked at the programs at Biola and there it was, screaming to me on the page: APOLOGETICS! What was I going to apologize to God for? No. It was from the Greek word meaning defense. This was a program in how to defend the tenets of Christianity. Sure, it made sense.  A Master’s Degree? 

Why not. What? Wait! Next day, I couldn’t wait to walk the dogs and bargain. One thing I found out about God. He doesn’t bargain. Biola. So, I’m a cardiologist and you want me to get a degree in apologetics at one of the most prestigious schools in apologetics in the country? I really don’t have time for this. I work eighty hours a week. My transcripts from two colleges, my medical school transcripts, so many years ago, I mean, really? Biola. I thought I was losing my mind. So, I proceeded to call the universities and medical school to amass all the documents and sent them to Biola. One and a half months later, on a Saturday (not Monday through Friday), I get a call: “Hi this is so and so from Biola University and would like to speak to Danielle Degarollami.” Yes, I’m Daniele De Girolami. “We would like to ask you one question?” Yes, I said. “Do you believe in evolution?” I said no. I believe God created everything. “Ok, we will get back to you. Thanks.” I stood there looking at my phone as if it had legs or something. One hour later, he called back! “Sir, you’ve been accepted into the Master’s program in Christian Apologetics at Biola University.” Dumbfounded, I sheepishly replied, you’re kidding, right? For real? “Yes sir.” I said thank you and hung up. Now, to tell you that I had an ah-ha moment would be a gross understatement. Wow, I thought. God was up to something. 

Sure, I told everybody I could think of and many I never thought of that I was enrolled online at this program. Some thought; great, some; not so great. Anyway, when would I have the time to study? I had not planned ahead. Obviously. I never thought I’d get in. By the way, I did tell you; you just never bargain with God. So, some days later, a package came with all the essentials. Oh, my goodness, I hadn’t been a student in many, many years. Buying books, listening to lectures, writing papers; this was just more than I bargained for. Throughout this, I had a job to go to and a family to support. The juxtaposition of all of this made very strange bedfellows. Never mind you that it was God’s idea, not mine and well, I couldn’t just say no to God! Overwhelmed, hit me like a slap in the face. Determined, I went to the most important source I could think of: Amazon. I started a collection of books on Jesus that probably span over 700 by now. I was serious about this. And why? Well, you know. 

Over the years, the courses got harder and harder. I just didn’t know what I didn’t know. The professors at this university were top notch. Two of the top 100 philosophers in the United States were from Biola. I took a few courses from one of them and my mind is still spinning to this very day. I delved deeper and deeper into the material. I read the Bible cover to cover and then again, an again. The Resurrection of Jesus, the Incarnation of Jesus, the Trinity, the existence of God, the inerrancy of Scripture; it was endless. Books and papers piled up into my computer. Thank God for Kindle and Word. Many nights, I thought that I was never going to finish. It’s too hard. I had to take trips to different states to listen to Evangelical Philosophical Society conferences. I ran the gamut from east to west. I spent days in motel rooms, alone, writing papers. Then, flying back home to see my wife, Sonja, for a moment only to get up the next morning and go back to work. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year (seven to be exact), I studied and studied, and studied. 

Yes, I got great grades and learned a great deal. I made some great friends who loved the Lord just as much as I did. Most of them were around my age. Go figure! I must admit that through all of this, I didn’t think that I would ever be good enough to do it. Yes, I owe a great deal of gratitude to my sister, Liana. Yes, she proofread my papers like an editor from one of those high-powered publishing companies. She was tough, but insightful. I give her great thanks and a big hug. All in all, it was for a good cause, right? God asked me to do it, so I did. When I think back to all those years of going through it and all the thousands and thousands of pages read, the writing, the traveling, the stress, would I do it again? You know the answer. No bargaining. I remember in 2019, it was summer and I went to Los Angeles to the university to do some course work there for ten days. It was fantastic. Plus, got to spend some time with my daughter Adriana and her boyfriend, Nick. We hiked up Mount Allen one beautiful sunny day on Father’s Day. Perfect. Coming back home was hard as I don’t get a chance to see them very often but who knows what the future holds? Well, you guessed it. COVID-19! 2020. Like Dickens said: “It was the best of times; it was the worst of times.” My last year and I couldn’t even graduate at the school. My family was planning this great trip to Los Angeles to see me graduate. It wasn’t meant to be. There was a back and forth from the institution regarding the convocation but it just didn’t work out. Perhaps, in 2021, I could go to the commencement ceremonies with the summer graduating class, mask and all. Who knows? 

December 18th, 2020. Graduation Day. It was Friday. A very busy day at the office. Then, I went to see my phone which I had set aside while doing a procedure. Flowers from my children in California. Beautiful. The day was coming to a close. Three more patients and I was free. Free to enjoy my graduation day with some cheese, crackers, and some carnitas. Yes, this graduation day was going out with a whimper or so I thought. See, one can never outsmart God. Just when you think He forgot about you; He show up in a big, unimaginable way. God is like that. You think He’s God. He’s too busy. He has other things to do. He doesn’t have time for me. He’s not personal. Then, He shows up! He’s big. Ineffable. That’s what happened.

After five months of being really sick, COVID-19 even, going through the motions of work, depressed, tired, weak, full of anxiety, and insomnia to boot, my final paper was drawing to a close. My day had come and all the years of hard work had paid off. I was done, did. Next. See, God has His plan. You make yours and I guess He laughs. What I didn’t expect was today. Today was my graduation. But the true graduation was waiting for me with the next patient. I had known her from the hospital. She was involved in cleaning in the hospital. She had come with her son. She told me of her pain in her legs and we planned for surgery. Then, as I was leaving out the door she said: “Doctor, my son doesn’t believe in God. Could you tell him of your testimony?” Sure, I said. I told him my testimony, how God came into my life 9 years ago. I explained many things to him, about how God was not a religion but a Person who wants a relationship with us. I spoke for about 45 minutes. After which, God showed me what all these years of study were really about. Her son, David, then asked: “Could you be my mentor? I want to know more.” I was stunned. I gave him my cell phone number and told him to call me anytime to talk. I left in wonderment of what God had taught me today on graduation day. Today, I was taught that it really isn’t about me. It’s about God and whom He loves, which is everybody! Today, this kid asked for a mentor, but there is a much greater Mentor: Jesus. Yes, today, God was my graduation present as He was present on my graduation day. Glorifying the One who chose me when I didn’t deserve anything from Him. That why, Biola. That’s why, all the years of struggle. That’s why the months of sickness. Pay attention and you might just catch a glimpse of how God works in your life. See, He doesn’t bargain, but how He gives love. Today, was graduation day from thinking about me to thinking about Him. Thanks, God. 

Winter’s Coming

There are seasons. Seasons of hope, seasons of despair. Seasons of growth, seasons of decline. Seasons of youth, seasons of decay. Seasons of today, seasons of yesterday or tomorrow. Seasons of joy, seasons of sadness. Seasons of progress, seasons of stagnation. Seasons of life and seasons of death. There are seasons. 

Expectation is the prelude to disaster. In order to enjoy life to its fullest, plan to not plan. Take every day, every moment as a precious gift. Savor the time spent with yourself and others. Too often, intrusive thoughts mar whatever joy and happiness one could have. Too often, racing thoughts swarm around in the mind leaving the observer with nothing more than anxiety and worry. Just a thought. 

She was awake. Left in the aftermath of last night, she tossed and turned, examining her yesterdays and her friends. Who could have known that behind her velvet mask of charm, lay hidden myriads of problems, but no solutions. She laid motionless, barely daring to breathe for she could not possibly defeat all these thoughts at once. But then, a glimmer of hope. A peaceful rest came upon her as she was overcome by the peace of Christ in her heart. This has not been the first time. She treasured the pause in her frantic mind. Yes, she had been here before. Over the years, tragedy after tragedy had ripped her apart. Despite all this, she managed to move forward, with the help of Christ, to climb the hill of uncertainty once more. Determined was her shield of armor. Valiantly to all, yet humbly to her inner bastions, she set to conquer the day. But why? Why had it been so hard for her to imagine victory even after all the hell she was put through? She had a resilience of recovery about her. Yet, secretly she was afraid. She did not let on her fears to anyone. She was stalwart yet humble. She would not allow the drudgery of the day to impede what she needed to do to get by. She was her own heroine. She wouldn’t let anyone confuse her kindness with weakness. But what now?

Many days passed with the promise of conquering her fears about her circumstances. She was not alone. Many had tried to get into her inner circle, but to no avail. She didn’t let many in. Did she fear to be exposed? Certainly not! Whatever demons she had inside were hers to deal with. She did not ask for pity. In fact, she loathed it. She despised weakness, yet there was only one who could see her in that light. For that, she was eternally grateful that she had found the one who would console her once the doors were closed in the safety of her sanctuary. But, back to her. How to describe that which is ineffable? Words, words, words. She hated the pomposity of the quasi-cultured elite who batted words around like flies on shit. She was simple, not simple minded. She had a degree in street smart and aptly able to call out a fake in two seconds. At times, she seemed abrasive, perhaps even a bully, but no. she didn’t have that skill set. She was a woman’s woman and was not about to let anyone talk trash or pull the wool over her eyes. Yes, she was woman. Let her roar!

Tomorrow was the promise of another day, yet she clung to her past. There had been many rough spots. She remembered them all with categorical precision. One wouldn’t dare to come at her for a fight. It was that mind of hers that leaped to the forefront to dissect arguments, placing the offender in a pool of why’s. Yes, she was civil but not to be crossed, under the penalty of the third-degree assault on the opposing party. For her, it was not simply about respect, but above all, fairness. After all, what else was there? Or perhaps, honesty? Yes, that’s right. She demanded not to be treated as an idiot. The thought of lies made her want to vomit and she had had enough of those. After all, Scripture was replete with many who had lied and faced the consequences of their actions against a holy God. She simply would not be a part of it. 

Well, time to get out of bed. She had a million things to do or so she thought. The morning was always difficult for her as she planned the morning’s attack on her world. Methodically, she put everything in its place and carried out the every day rituals with razor-sharped precision. Today, was different however as she reflected on her own mortality. She was almost 50 now and contemplated what the future would hold for her. One gets to a certain age and pauses to reflect on the what ifs. Strange. She had thought of everyone else first. Their worries were hers. But today, she was shown something new. There are seasons. She remembered her youth. As a child, she could feel the warmth of being carefree. Life had not been simple by any means, but it was hers to conquer. As she had grown, it had gotten much harder. The climb to the top was vanishing. She felt like a salmon. Roadblock after roadblock, she jumped over each hurdle to get to some sense of accomplishment. All along, the path she took was twisted with many turns, but it was her path. She had no one to blame but herself. Bullshit! She had many to blame. Her life had been hard, yet she made it hers and made no excuses. She forged ahead. If they were to get in her way, step aside because she was going to succeed at any cost. After all, she just had one life to pull it together. She was going to make the best of it even though many had dragged her down in the process. She would eventually claim victory. Yes, there are seasons.

Reflections. As she sat drinking her coffee and reading her daily Scripture, she imagined what it would be like to be in the presence of Christ. She had adoration for her Lord and Savior. Her relationship with Him was intimate and personal. She made no excuses for how she felt about Jesus. She was a Jesus freak. What’s a Jesus freak? Someone who loves Jesus more than anyone else. She had been through the seasons of spring (growth) and summer (maturity). She was presently in autumn (reflection) and contemplated on winter (transition). What was there, beyond her flesh and bones, she pondered. What frontier lay ahead? She had read Scripture, yet found more questions than answers. She was not alone. Many who had come before doubted. It was the human condition. Why would she be any different? She wasn’t. At her age, one begins to see the light and the end of the tunnel. She caught a glimpse of it today and it caught her attention. No, this is not all there is. She had Christ in her heart. But she was curious. How does it all fit together? Why death? Why life? Why, why, why? Certainly, there must be a reason for all of this. These were questions that had been plaguing humanity since its dawn. She was not insecure in her faith. Jesus was too real for her. It just was the season. Winter is coming. In some sense there is a dread of winter. In another, marvel and beauty. Like seasons, God has made it clear: choice. As C. S. Lewis had said: “There are two kinds of people in the world. Those that say to God: ‘Thy will be done,’ and those that God says to them: ‘Thy will be done.’” She contemplated choice. She could not return to her mother’s womb. There was only one direction for every human: death. Was death to be feared or was it to be embraced? Yes, today was different, only because it was her birthday. She had awoken. She had gone through all the racing thoughts. She had gone through her rituals. She had loved. Her life was sublime, now. But, had she reached the crossroad. Winter was not upon her but she contemplated it so fiercely as if it engulfed her. But why? She wasn’t ready yet. It wasn’t her time. She was still young, or so she thought. Then she remembered. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. People die all the time, and at all ages. There is no escape. Wait! It’s not about escape. One can’t escape death. There must be another way. Rest. Her rest was found in Christ. He had been all of her answers. He had been there when no one else was there to save her from despair. Jesus was her greatest birthday present. Today, she reflected on all her birthdays. Some good and some bad. Today, it was different. Winter’s coming. Today, she realized that she didn’t have to face winter alone. Today, she felt the hand of Jesus giving her hope where the future with Him would be greater than all her seasons before. His yoke was easy. All she had to do is to take His hand. Yes, winter’s coming for all. But she didn’t have to face it alone.

For Sonja.